32 Years

"Well I've seen strong hearts give way
To the burdens of the day
To the weary hands of time
Where fortune is not kind

Honey you're my lucky day
Baby you're my lucky day
When I've lost all the other bets I've made
Honey you're my lucky day"

Bruce Springsteen

"Now the hardness of this world slowly grinds your dreams away
Making a fool's joke out of the promises we make
And what once seemed black and white turns to so many shades of gray
We lose ourselves in work to do, work to do and bills to pay
And it's a ride, ride, ride, and there ain't much cover
With no one running by your side, my blood brother

On through the houses of the dead past those fallen in their tracks
Always moving ahead and never looking back
Now I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I feel tonight
If I've fallen 'neath the wheel, if I've lost or I gained sight
I don't even know why, I don't know why I made this call
Or if any of this matters anymore after all

But the stars are burning bright like some mystery uncovered
I'll keep moving through the dark with you in my heart, my blood brother"

Bruce Springsteen

"Well I got some beer and the highway's free
And I got you and baby you've got me
Hey, hey, hey, what you say, Sherry Darling

Well let there be sunlight, let there be rain
Let the brokenhearted love again
Sherry, we can run with our arms open wide before the tide
To all the girls down at Sacred Heart
And all you operators back in the park
Say hey, hey, hey, what you say, Sherry Darling
Ho, ho, ho, say hey, hey, what you say, Sherry Darling"

Bruce Springsteen

On July 1st my husband and I will celebrate our 32nd wedding anniversary. We had already been together for 5 years before that so you do the math. We've known each other for a bit of time.

I started this post with three Bruce quotes... not a surprise to anyone who knows us as we are kinda BIG Springsteen fans. But Bruce is not best known for songs about that "perfect love" He IS however known for songs about relationships and what happens when the world intervenes. It doesn't always end well in his songs, but I would say he found a life partner in Patti.

I have found mine too. I just got lucky and found him as a teen.

I remember visiting a friend just a few (5-7) years ago and she wondered how we still had a strong relationship after so many years especially since we were so young when we met. Didn't our wants and needs diverge at some point? 

There is no secret ingredient.

We made a commitment borne out of love and passion. 

Yes we have both changed and explored new things and I hope we will continue to do so for as long as we are alive. We each do some things without the other, sometimes we "drag" the other along for the ride, most times really. Because he is "still the one" I want to spend all the time I possibly can with. I never really understood "going out with the girls." I mean I like a few other people:) but if I have free time, I know who I want to be with.  I did go on a trip to England and France for over a week with a good friend, and we had a fabulous time and I would do it again, or travel other places with her,  but I was so desperate to see him when I got back, the trip home seemed never ending.

I have not lived much of my life without him, and I hope not to. In my braver moments I imagine I would be able to continue if he was gone, but it would take an awful lot of dogs:)

Really.

I am thankful for him everyday even when it doesn't seem like it.

I think he is really the best person I know.

I see his flaws, those are some of the things that make me love him more, and a few of the things that frustrate me.

He sees my flaws...and he still loves me. I am always amazed by the idea of that.

He is "devastatingly handsome."

He loves our dogs and goes on many walks with us, and takes care of them with me. 

He pushes me to explore new things, but also lets me slouch on the couch without guilt.

He pretends he will read all of the 10,000 books that I tell him he "must read.", and quietly reads his own books, listens to his own podcasts and sometimes puts them in front of me.

I don't think I drag him down too much, but maybe I do. 

We can tell each other our biggest fears.

He does the dishes most of the time.

He is super smart, and creative.

He is kind.

We laugh at the same jokes, and get enraged by the same injustices. 

I know how lucky I am.

He makes a mean cosmo...

He takes care of me.

I can't really put down into words, how much I love him. It is like this home base in my life. We have been on so many adventures together and also had so many hum drum days together. I love them all.

He has taught me to be kind, to let go of some of my selfishness. He taught me to ask more questions.

He isn't afraid to do arts and crafts, to build things, to fix things, to create, he's taught me to just try it, what is the worst thing can happen? 

He drives 99% of the time.

He is, quite simply, the love of my life.

Happy Anniversary Jeff. I love you.

I made a playlist for him, I think he won't mind sharing it with you. It IS hard after so many years, to make a playlist with songs we haven't included a million times before...just another challenge in life we can face together.  Search smknerr public playlists on spotify "32 Years"

Book Recommendations: "Paddling to Winter" Julie Buckles 2013

Peace Out.

Sheila

Life is Scary!

" Remember when she broke my heart, waitin' for the waiter to return my card?

Right as I let down my guard, lucky me. We had to work a bit more hard

Only just to get a little bit less far. We could laugh about it all tomorrow, couldn't we?

When all is going wrong and you're scared as hell, What you gonna do? Who you gonna tell?

Maybe a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories, 

A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties. Yeah, no, I ain't scared of you

No, I ain't scared of you no more." AJR

“His mind was freshly inclined toward sorrow; toward the fact that the world was full of sorrow; that everyone labored under some burden of sorrow; that all were suffering; that whatever way one took in this world, one must try to remember that all were suffering (none content; all wronged, neglected, overlooked, misunderstood), and therefore one must do what one could to lighten the load of those with whom one came into contact; that his current state of sorrow was not uniquely his, not at all, but, rather, its like had been felt, would be felt, by scores of others, in all times, in every time, and must not be prolonged or exaggerated, because, in this state, he could be of no help to anyone and, given that his position in the world situated him to be either of great help, or great harm, it would not do to stay low, if he could help it.”

― George Saunders, Lincoln in the Bardo

Freedom, son, is a dirty shirt
The sun on my face and my shovel in the dirt
A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone
I woke up this morning shackled and drawn

Shackled and drawn, shackled and drawn
Pick up the rock, son, carry it on
What's a poor boy to do but keep singing his song

Bruce Springsteen "Shackled and Drawn"

“Meaning is hard to come by if you are a solitary entity. If you have doubts about your own usefulness and purpose, it is all but impossible to answer those doubts while unmoored. When you are able to affix yourself somehow, to bridge the abyss with a relationship with another creature of any sort, it’s easier to make the case that there is some way in which the whole of creation matters, that it has, if not a purpose, at least an invigorating vitality. I find satisfaction in hitching myself to the universe as an observer of this energy, manifest in wonderful complexity. I matter, because it matters. Human self-awareness allows us to question our purpose. But that self-awareness also allows us to watch ourselves experiencing wonder, curiosity, and the delight of discovery, and therefore to value those things. Our role may be fulfilled, perhaps, simply by paying close attention. Maybe that’s the meaning.”
― Nathanael Johnson, Unseen City: The Majesty of Pigeons, the Discreet Charm of Snails & Other Wonders of the Urban Wilderness

My family and I recently went on a river rafting trip in Colorado, intermediate class rapids. We were all just a little terrified at the start- some more than others. The water was COLD, despite our wetsuits. We had an experienced guide but there were no guarantees. The rocks were real. But we chose to do this. And we loved it. We loved the adrenaline rush, the bit of fear, the bit of uncertainty. The chance to work together and share success (and small failures). 

My husband and I sign up for races...well he often signs me up, but I do agree to do them. We train in all weather. We get up super early and travel to starting lines. I am usually a  mess. I am scared. It will be hard. But I chose this. There are no guarantees of success. But even if I am unhappy with my time, I am satisfied that I have taken on this challenge and given it my best shot.

I go to a job that can be very scary and stressful. I never know what I am walking into. Will it be busy or slow?  Will there be a really sick child? Will I be up to the task? I have training. I have experience. I am part of a team. But it is scary. Yet when I do help a child, help a family... It is very rewarding.

In all of these things, DOING the things, though sometimes hard or dangerous is not really the hard part. It is the anxiety before the fact that is the hardest.

I want to explore some ideas about anxiety and expectations for life here. No doubt it will seem simplistic to some. I claim no expertise except my own experience and bearing witness to others during my life. I offer no definitive answers, just reflections. As always I welcome any comments. 

An easy life is not the same as a fulfilling life, and could in fact be very boring.

Life has no guarantees for anyone. We are all just muddling through.

Anxiety has some usefulness- short term sympathetic nervous system stimulation is important, but anxiety can also become dysfunctional and an impediment to a fulfilling life. Stress is  useful but chronic stress is destructive.  

Anxiety is worry about the future. And for sure, the future can be scary. Bad things do happen. We do fail sometimes. But good things happen too, and if we take no risks what will happen?  

 Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.

Dory : Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.

Marlin : What?

Dory : Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.                      Finding Nemo

 So we do stuff. If we could ever stop and live in  the current moment, to be conscious of the journey and not just the outcome, we could decrease our anxious thoughts and focus on living. (Again not an easy task and I am not trying to belittle anyone (including myself) who struggles with this or anyone who has a life much harder than my own due to poverty, war, abuse or other situations that may or may not be in their control.) But I wonder how can we harness this "nervous energy" and put it to good use? We could all train for races with it? And maybe we could practice just  slowing down sometimes to  just look around for a moment and appreciate what is now instead of worrying about what might be...

Why can't we imagine "paradise" very well? That conundrum of being unable to appreciate the good without having an experience of the bad to contrast it with is a real thing. The tv series "the good place" did a nice job with their final idea of paradise.. for them paradise wasn't any good unless you knew it was NOT for ever. You just got to decide when you wanted to make your final exit from your conscious existence. And it was different and very personal for each one of them. And therein lies the rub. Is what we really hope for not an easy life, but some control over our life...agency over our decisions and outcomes? Is that paradise?

That must be part of it, but wouldn't a life where we knew the outcomes also be boring? Would we appreciate the things we know won't last? Or would we avoid situations that we knew would end badly? But if we have the control to avoid the bad things, we will  miss some of the good things (or be unable to appreciate the good things). The short story "Story of Your Life" (and movie Arrival based on it) dealt with some of this and is worth a read...

So what we have is this life...this scary life, and we have this anxiety about this life. And it can be wonderful sometimes and all of us will fail sometimes and suffer. Some of us much more than others. So what is the answer? My answer is to try to empathize with each other, support each other, work to create a society that holds people up and provides support and not just competition and winners and losers. I believe we should  stop venerating money. I believe we should listen to birdsong every once in a while and appreciate the lives of the creatures that exist all around us. And sometimes take that risk...

I went to visit my mom and became very anxious about her ability to care for herself, and my inability to create a real solution. So I started cleaning the house... It helped to just DO something, well it deferred the anxiety. Actions can help. But sometimes individual efforts seem ineffectual in a society rigged against us- a society with no good answers for how to allow seniors to age as they want, with dignity. Those who want a local, bottom up approach  have some valid points, but if the society is stacked against you, your individual options start to disappear. When everything depends on how much money we have...well humanity is going to suffer. We already are. So is the anxiety I feel about my mom, or about our society which I as a privileged white professional woman still feel powerless to change, is that anxiety useful? It is real. 

Thoughts?

PS This was supposed to be an uplifting post...Life is a gift (from whom I don't know) but we should appreciate it, lumps and all.

Peace out.

Sheila

she/her

* A note on the (perpetual) generational misunderstandings. For those who throw around the idea that "kids today just don't want to work hard, they want everything handed to them." To you I say first- the generation before you said the same about you...and for real, young people today look around at those who work themselves hard and either "just get money"  at the cost of  relationships,  or those who barely even get enough money, never mind, healthcare, childcare or time to enjoy anything. And they say, not for me...Can you really blame them? And for the young people, please don't misunderstand. It is not the hard work that should be avoided, it is the lack of agency over our life, and a society that venerates the $$ over the people that is the problem. Working at something you have a passion for is what fulfillment is about. Working together to steer our society towards that goal is something we should ALL work together to help achieve. Lean towards the light...together.

*Feeling afraid or unable to express who you really are and how you really feel is a powerful source of dysfunctional anxiety. It does no good to the person who is afraid, nor to humanity in general, to silence voices because they are different, because they disagree...

Playlist "Life is Scary" smknerr spotify

Reading recommendations: "Unseen City" by Nathanael Johnson 2016 ( I loved it until the final chapter when I got a bit angry at his implication that somehow the human species has more value than other species...tell me what you think?)

                                             "Lincoln in the Bardo" by George Saunders 2017

                                             "Stories of Your Life and Others" Ted Chiang 2002

  Two of my anchors...:)

Merging with the eternal, one organism at a time...

"Now, this is my job, I will not quit it
Pulled me out the depths when I thought that I was finished
Yeah I questioned if I could go the distance
That's just the work, regardless of who's listening, listening

Listen, see I was meant to be a warrior
Fight something amongst me, leave here victorious
Classroom of kids, or a venue performing
If I'd had done for the money I'd have been a fucking lawyer

Concrete, vagabond, van telling stories
Humbled by the road, I'm realizing I'm not important
See life's a beautiful struggle, I record it
Hope it helps you maneuvering through yours and
That's why we stay in the lab at night
I've been staring into this pad for over half my life
A true artist won't be satisfied
So I guess that's the sacrifice
And I say

Make the money, don't let the money make you
Change the game, don't let the game change you
I'll forever remain faithful, All my people stay true..." Macklemore

This post contains some reflections about life, death, consciousness and physiology... Just a small topic. Bear with me. I have a few separate thoughts to share, and then a convergence of them to ponder...These are not meant to be declarations of fact nor of faith. They are just ponderings. I am still recovering from Max's sudden decline and death so that will color my thoughts a bit, but then, that is one of my points....Let me begin: 

1. Stress and emotions (grief being one cause of these) influence what pathways we use in our brains to process information. They influence what we remember and what can trigger those memories. There is an interplay between 2 brain regions (the amygdala and the hippocampus) in regard to how/what we remember. This is why sometimes a smell or a passing image can trigger a vivid memory. That's your amygdala activating. The stronger the "emotional content' of the original event, the more the amygdala is involved. 

2. It not uncommon that after someone close to you dies, you "feel their presence." Maybe you just expect to see them somewhere...I have a vivid recollection of my son's first communion which happened about 3 months after my dad died. I felt him there in the church. I expected to look up and see him. Those moments may be more intense and more frequent initially, and then fade.

3. IF consciousness is a property of the universe (like gravity eg see my earlier posts), and individual organisms/beings tap into this property in different ways and to different extents depending on their biological composition, then what happens when the individual biological organism dies and gives up it's biochemical "ego"?

4. When the physical being dies, it decays and turns back to "dust", to molecules, to atoms, is it's tie with consciousness then released back into the universe? If so can others who are close to them pick up some of that individuality during the process?  If you have shared memories and shared sensations then is part of the consciousness that the individual  "used" for lack of a better word, then able to be a part of you- even if "just" as a memory. Remember memories have emotional content and emotion influences what we remember and how we invoke that memory...

Initially after a loss, the grief is more acute, and the memories are stronger, the connection feels more "real", more physical. But then time passes and the acuity of the grief can fade, and maybe some of the emotion related to the memories changes, can it be that other being has become a part of you and so more familiar and "unremarkable"? I'd like to believe it is a gain and not a loss of your connection.

And when you die, who will you merge with? We are all part of the whole.

Remember, I am a person who understands the world as a scientist, as one who respects the mysteries remaining and the power of stories. I think they all interconnect. Learning more about the science, shouldn't devalue the experience.

Just some ramblings. I would love to hear your thoughts...Also read "Behave" by Robert Sapolsky (2017). Don't be put off by the length or the book or the "scientific" content. He is a wonderful writer and the book is so full of information and thoughts to ponder. I will end with his final words from the book: 

"If you had to boil this book down to a single phrase, it would be "It's complicated." Scientists keep saying, "We used to think X, but now we realize that..." Eventually it can seem hopeless that you can make things better. But we have no choice but to try. And if you are reading this, you are probably ideally suited to do so. You've amply proven you have intellectual tenacity. You probably also have running water, a home, adequate calories, and low odds of festering with a bad parasitic disease. You probably don't have to worry about Ebola virus, warlords or being invisible in your world. And you've been educated. In other words, you're one of the lucky humans. So try."

And then: "Finally, you don't have to choose between being scientific and being compassionate."

Amen.

My spotify playlist is in progress, but Bob Schneider's newest release: "I Love this Life." is definitely on it and a great listen.

Peace out.

Sheila

PS Bonus quote from "The Maytrees" Annie Dillard 2007 "It was then Lou began to wonder: If overcoming self centeredness was the goal, then why were we born into a selfish stew? "

For Max and all the good dogs out there

 Dog Talk

"And it is exceedingly short, his galloping life. Dogs die so soon. I have my stories of that grief, no doubt many of you do also. It is almost a failure of will, a failure of love, to let them grow old--or so it feels. We would do anything to keep them with us, and to keep them young. The one gift we cannot give...

But I want to extol not the sweetness nor the placidity of the dog, but the wilderness out of which he cannot step entirely, and from which we benefit. For wilderness is our first home too, and in our wild ride into modernity with all its concerns and problems we need also all the good attachments to that origin that we can keep or restore. Dog is one of the messengers of that rich and still magical first world. The dog would remind us of the pleasures of the body with its graceful physicality, and the acuity and rapture of the senses, and the beauty of forest and ocean and rain and our own breath. There is not a dog that romps and runs but we learn from him...

And we are caught by the old affinity, a joyfulness--his great and seemly pleasure in the physical world. Because of the dog's joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. It is not the least reason why we should honor as well as love the dog of our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs?"  from "Dog Songs" Mary Oliver 2013.

Max died yesterday. We helped him along to the next phase of his journey. In the process we tore out a piece of our hearts for him to take along. Right now the hole feels 5 miles wide.

Max was almost 15 years old. He was with us for a solid 14 years. Rescued unexpectedly one day to take our dog number from 2 to 3. 

First there was Rosy (1989-2003) or "Lady Rosalita of the Meadow" as she was known to the AKC. She was a liver and white springer spaniel who was our first baby. Oh she loved to run and swim and fetch the ball again and again and again.

Next came Dave, aka Davidson County Jr (1996-2012) where we stumbled upon him in a horrid animal "shelter." He was our first rescue dog and had lived a feral existence his first 4 months as did many dogs in Davidson County, NC. He never really lost his desire to roam. He always came home except for the one night he was picked up by the police and spent a night at a "holding site" before we tracked him down. He was a gentleman and a protector. 

After we lost Rosy, Dave needed a friend. We learned a bit about trying to rescue a dog on purpose. For example, if you want to try to rescue a specific breed of dog...well you might more easily adopt a human child... Eventually we found Lucy (2004-2016) at La Mancha animal rescue in Unionville, PA, a wonderful farm whose owner accepts and cares for any animal in need. There we found Lucy a 6 week old black puppy that had been found with her brother next to her mother who had been hit by a car. She was "part lab". In fact she was bull terrier/pit bull. A beautiful dog who first learned how to be from Dave and then promptly took over as alpha dog. She was VERY food motivated. Loved us, loved sitting by the fire and snuggling with us and usually liked a walk...if she wasn't in the mood she simply sat in the sidewalk and refused to move. 

Max came along when Lucy was just 2. We were back at La Mancha volunteering when the uhaul truck from NC full of crates of dogs pulled up. We helped unload the dogs. Someone handed me this terrified black (truly lab mix) puppy who looked like he would be eaten alive by the other "lab mixes" and said to me "Find a place for this one." I did. He came home with us the next day to make us a 3 dog family and firmly enamored with these 3 black dogs. 

Dave lived until he was 15 1/2.  We got Sam (Sammy Sam Sam Sam Sam) our first black and white dog in 2015. I was perusing the "Mastiffs to Mutts" rescue site for big dogs. He is a big tuna - long body, "big" head, floppy ears, fluffy coat. My giant dachshund... Oh we love our Sammy and he loves to take walks especially in the woods. Sammy looked to Max and Lucy for advice. Lucy was in charge. 

Lucy died in 2016. She was only 12 but developed bone cancer.  Max and Sam were bereft. They were a team without a leader. We found Lily (a white dog of all things- well she has some black spots and patches) at "Dogtown." She is a little high strung, and very agile part whippet we think. She is definitely in charge but sometimes a bit of a bully....she is a work in progress, as are we all.

Max was our patient, loving, good boy. He loved to run in the woods, and zoom around the yard. I always wished we had a bigger yard for him. He was always happy to walk, even on his last day he instigated a walk around the block, that after a swim in the creek.  He was such a wonderful boy. He was part wolf we think...a little aloof at time, he loved to be outside, lying in the garden or in one of the "clubhouses" he created for himself in the yard from stray sticks. He also loved to sit at the top of our deck stairs and survey the street and other yards to alert us of any danger- especially "the Boxers!" He also claimed the living room couch as his own and loved to sit there in the afternoon when the sun shone in. He was the LEAST food motivated dog I have ever met. His early days included a fall through the ice at a local lake while chasing geese. We pulled him out risking our own lives without thinking twice about it. He did eat the arms off our lovely linen covered, down filled couch my sister gave us...that was a sight to come home too. It only took me a few minutes to decide I loved him more than any couch. Max was our link to the wilderness that Mary Oliver talks about. In fact one day he tried to bring in the wilderness through his dog door to the house in the form of a very dead, very stiff ground hog... "Too much nature Max.." 

Max aged very well. He was never plagued by the arthritis that slowed our other dogs down. He walked and swam and played right up until the end. Just a month ago we took him to NC and we all walked on the beach. Then he just stopped eating, and started to lose weight, and started to fade away. First he refused dog food but ate chicken, then no chicken but ate ground beef or turkey, then no more, then sausage. He loved pita chips and corn chips until close to the end, as much as he loved any food. He rejected the "stringy pasta" he used to eat. One day last week I asked my husband what was for dinner. He replied, we are having hamburgers, Max is having steak...sadly he didn't eat more than a bite. In the space of 10 days he just fell apart. Oh he tried to hang on for us, pain meds helped briefly. The vet found a mass on his liver last week. It was the longest and shortest week of my life. We had to make the decision of when and if to help him go. It is a hellish time. Are we giving him enough time? Are we waiting too long? In the end, I know it was his time. But the world is so empty without him. Max I hope you are in a better place. Maybe you are part of the universal consciousness now. Maybe you are with Rosy, Dave and Lucy. I hope you are at peace.

I was at the edge of the creek the other day. I go there often to find peace, to forget the world and remember beauty and joy, usually with a dog or two. I realized that day that my dogs are like the river. We come to them to forget the rest of the world and they help us remember what is important, they bring us joy and peace and companionship. The river's edge changes a bit through time but it is always the same place of comfort. The individual drops of water  however are never the same. They head onward, out to the sea, back up to the sky, returning as rain to nourish the world. Our dogs are the water, they are the river. There are different dogs who flow faster than we do through this life, but they always bring us joy.

We love you Max. We will always love you.

Peace,

Sheila

Suggested reading: "Dog Songs" Mary Oliver 2013

                                "Travels with Charley" John Steinbeck 1962

Playlists: Sunday with Max, and Happy Songs for Max,  both public on spotify, search smknerr or follow links below: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1chXxDdOSln6dH4gX8yelC?si=31a6ab558c8d4eed

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6PKFtob8firGLOWOuVotci?si=f31520203c0b4f75

 

Looking and Listening

“Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

I found this quote on twitter. Rhett Miller had tweeted it out as it has always inspired him. As I write this I realize, I don't think I have mentioned Rhett Miller at all in this blog yet. I have been listening to his music (with the Old 97's and his solo work) for several years (since the 1990s). I first saw him in concert about 6 years ago and was hooked not just on the music- the multitude of songs I had not heard and had yet to enjoy, but also on his "humanity" for lack of a better word; his willingness to explore and share his creative journey as well as his less glamorous realities of marriage and fatherhood.  ("Rock stars used to be such mythical creatures..."). I have had the good fortune to chat briefly with him after his show a few times (and once before when I  spied him going to eat dinner before his show). He has a podcast which I listened to once or twice, but as you may know I am just not a podcast person. I love to read a book or listen to music but I stop paying attention about 10 minutes into a podcast, no matter who it is. Anyway, take a listen to his music or his words (or get both when you livestream his tri-weekly shows on stageit and someday see him in person again). He has a great voice, but I especially love when he harmonizes for Murry Hammond on songs like "the Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue" and "Valentine." 

Anyway, I digress

We have started a weekly family painting/zoom meeting. It is a way to connect and to create. My daughter had started painting as a way to unwind. My husband quickly picked up on it and is now painting almost daily- finding inspiration and tips from social media sites.  I dabble. But we all create something...no matter how bad it is (or good). 

I am hoping that this creative process may help us find relief from the stress and anxiety we are experiencing. I know I am languishing (see below):

( "Languishing: the void between depression and flourishing--the absence of well being". Adam Grant     Full article in NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/19/well/mind/covid-mental-health-languishing.html ).

One piece of advice my husband found was the idea that before you can learn how to paint, you need to learn how to see. 

I think this is a truly wonderful piece of advice and I think about it daily. Even if I never paint. I find it very useful and I would add to it the following...

"Before you can speak, you must learn how to listen. 
Before you can learn how to write, you must learn how to notice.
Before you learn how to exist in a community, you must learn about its' different members.
Before you can be at peace, you must learn how to appreciate the beauty around you..."

When I walk with my dogs down to our park, I tromp through the woods with them. I am learning how to notice and appreciate the sharpness of the colors, the flora and fauna that come and go with the changing seasons. Right now we are enjoying watching the frogs in the ponds, the red winged blackbirds in the fields, and the yellow and white and purple plants carpeting the vivid green ground in the wetlands and river's edge. I am starting to learn names but that is secondary to appreciating their brief existences, the predictability of their comings and goings. I have been living here for years but each year I notice more. 

Right now I am in an anxious state. I realize as I notice myself more, that I have always dealt with anxiety in my life. I just haven't always had a name for it, or realized that these periodic feelings of dread are not something that everyone experiences. They pass. I have support and love. I realize that the anxiety is fear about something that has not/may not happen. Being involved, confronting the anxiety by "diving in" can help...Many times there is no defined event I am anxious about. That is tougher. I have been told that "living in the present" can help alleviate anxiety as anxiety is about the future. Maybe I am not good enough at this yet but in my experience it helps to do yoga, to focus on creating something or just trying mindfulness, but the effect is fleeting and the advice can become a platitude, an admonishment to do better.

 During the pandemic the episodes of anxiety may be more frequent. I think my anxiety alternates between expressing itself as physical symptoms and these feelings of dread. I am not sure which I can deal with more easily.  My husband and I have in the past focused on physical challenges to give us a shared sense of purpose...a goal to achieve. (I almost always complain about them but it does me good). Right now I am focused on wanting to hike mountains, but as yet have not ventured further than our local parks. In May we head to Colorado so we'll see how that goes. It is not a visit just to hike (my daughter is graduating from college) but there will be an opportunity to do so. It is a vague goal though, I need something more concrete. It is similar to my goal of moving - I REALLY want to, but when? where? What if my husband and I have different ideas about if, when and where to move? I keep talking about moving "away from the things of man," and picking out properties with many acres of woods. I think he thinks I am not really serious as I have been doing this for years. But I am, and I would TODAY if I could...soon I hope. I want to be a dog sitter, walker, rescuer...who shares books, promotes literacy. Let me know if you have any ideas for me

I think I need a more concrete goal to help me out. A concert to look forward to. A challenge to meet. Physical activity is the best antidote I have found so far. I am running more now, but I still keep going through the days, trying to find the imagination to get out of the box I feel I am in, -as does the rest of my family. (Even the dogs seem to be languishing but maybe I am projecting).

So we paint, and we blog and we exercise and we work. Some of us go to therapy. Some of us read alot. We try to adapt. We try. We are all trying. Keep trying.

Sometimes, I think about this reflection from Aldo Leopold in the 1940s: "It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear." 

This is the jumping in that I am talking about, but that I am sometimes afraid to really do. I can do it with the little things, but the big things...I am a security seeker. I don't know if it is right to be okay with being a little fearful of the marathon but signing up anyway, but not willing to take a financial risk to do a new career when I don't really know what that career would be...I don't know. I guess the answer is different for everyone and it comes down to how you feel about it yourself not what others tell you is right. It is a struggle. Not just for young people but for everyone. It is also a luxury I have. I try not to forget that. Gratitude can get you a very long way. Where is the balance? What is my balance? I think as long as I have my core group of creatures around me, I'll be okay. Thanks everyone. 

Peace out.

Sheila

Book Recommendations: 

"Ship Fever"  and "Servants of the Map" Andrea Barrett

"This Tender Land" William Kent Kreuger

Henry and Mudge  Cythina Rylant

Frog and Toad are Friends - Arnold Loebel

Playlist XPN Inspiration -search sknerr public playlists of click on this link: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0IqLNR3BQTm06fsJYikLif?si=3cd91fb9c1f340f8

Does anybody really know what time it is?

"Together and apart
Do it all again
Right back to the start
Straight up to the end
I'm such a fool
Got everything and you
Yet my heart is so blue
I'm singing for nothing

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I swear that I don't pay attention
If I did, would intervention come to me in a dream?

Or is that just what the directors and the pills and
Other deflectors would have you believe?
Psychotic, hypnotic, erotic; which box is your thing?
Fact how many days a week do you feel
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected?
What do you need?
What do you need?

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
I know the sun will shine
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected
What do you need?" 

    Jade Bird

"Well, then can I walk beside you? I have come to lose the smog.
And I feel like I'm a cog in something turning.
And maybe it's the time of year, yes, and maybe it's the time of man.
And I don't know who I am but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
and we got to get ourselves back to the garden."

    Joni Mitchel

"I will try

 I will try. 

 I will step from the house to see what I see 

 and hear and I will praise it.

 I did not come into this world

 to be comforted.

 I came, like the red bird, to sing.

 But I'm not the red bird, with his head-mop of flame

 and the red triangle of his mouth

 full of tongue and whistles, 

 but a woman whose love has vanished,

 who thinks now, too much, of roots 

 and the dark places 

 where everything is simply holding on.

 But this too, I believe, is a place

 where God is keeping watch 

 until we rise, and step forth again and---

 but wait. Be still. Listen!

 Is it red bird? Or something 

 inside myself, singing?"

Mary Oliver

 This blog is about cycles. Bear with me. 

There are cycles all around us- seasons end and then return. We see the moon's full reflection, then it waxes and wanes.  Animals, vegetables, minerals, they all go through cycles. Individuals come and go but life/consciousness persists. Is there an ongoing consciousness?

 Buddhists believe our quest is to  ultimately be released from our cycle of physicality to become part of the eternal enlightenment. (a rough non Buddhist summary of a far more complex belief system, based on limited readings). Christianity teaches us our quest is to reach heaven for "eternal life" with God.  But we can't really grasp what never ending joy would be. Would it be dull? (check out "the good place" and "good omens" for some funny thoughts on this matter). "Jews believe in individual and collective participation in an eternal dialogue with God through tradition, rituals, prayers and ethical actions. The most important teaching of Judaism is that there is one God, who wants people to do what is just and compassionate. " Wikipedia and conversations/exposure to the Jewish religion/rituals/readings. The Jews focus more on the here and now and understand the continuity is of the faith, not the person so much. There are a multitude of other belief systems many of us have ignored that honor the cycles of the world. They honor the physical and the spiritual properties of beings- I am thinking of druids and other "pagans" and "indigenous" peoples and their belief systems.  Some people believe in "something bigger than themselves" that is undefined, that is eternal, that brings value to the universe. Others only see the physical world and rale against any "non rational, non scientific, non physical" explanations for anything. They deny that there is any intrinsic meaning or value to life. It just is, and any systems of morality exist to allow us to live together in this world but are not ordained from above or beyond. I think Plato and Aristotle had some things to say about this but I am ages away from my Philosophy 101 studies. 

The point is we humans recognize and take comfort in cycles. Things change, but they also stay the same. We also have cycles of hope and despair throughout our own lives and throughout our shared history. There have been dark times before, just as many would describe this time as dark. We are starting to see the light at the end of the Pandemic- if we can just "run through the finish line" and not drop out with 10 yards to go. As someone who has run a few marathons, I understand how deeply tempting it may be to stop even with the finish line so close. It is irrational and stupid, but oh so tempting. Keep wearing  your masks and physically distancing for just a bit longer. Get your vaccine as soon as you can....

I think the real point of this blog when I set out to write it is to point out that cycles imply change- death AND rebirth- but we don't really understand what that means beyond what nature shows us...really. In our own lives when we are in a period of despair it is supremely hard to imagine a time when it will not be bad. This is not a fault of us as individuals. It is part of the human condition. Sadly,  if we lose connection with others and with the natural world, we may not recognize that this despair will have an end and feel that continuing in this period of despair is too painful,  death by our own hand would be a release.  Jadebird sings of this despair, but finds a little hope- I know the sun will shine, another day, another time.  Joni Mitchell understands both the cycles of life (getting back to the garden) and the need for connection- "by the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong!" Mary Oliver finds hope in herself and in nature- here the red bird.  I just want to put it out there. Life will change, hope is not misplaced. We can't see that sometimes. Don't get lost in despair. FInd a connection. You can start with me if you want. I am here.

Reading suggestions: 

1. Siddhartha ' Herman Hesse 1951

2. East of Eden - John Steinbeck 1952 "thou mayest"

*3. Red Bird - Mary Oliver 2008

Play list - public on spotify smknerr "I get no joy"

 https://open.spotify.com/user/smknerr/playlist/7zOmRrLGC5qLvZdvjpxwIT?si=093lUX0-T7OvC1dDiG2OZg

Our future depends on imagining new things, who better to rely on than children?

"When you pay attention to the beginning of the story, you can change the whole story." Raffi Cavoukian, singer and founder of Canada’s Centre for Child Honouring

"You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make brand new ending." James R. Sherman

 "I have spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am, and I am tired." Marshall, Joe vs the Volcano

"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how big... thank you. Thank you for my life." Joe, Joe vs the Volcano

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement." Patricia, Joe vs the Volcano

Although we may feel like there is no common ground among us anymore, I  think we can all at least agree that the country/world is not currently as we would hope it to be. I think we can also agree that we would like the world to be better for our children. Well, maybe not everyone agrees on that. Some people just really feel like they have the right to use and destroy whatever they want in order to accumulate wealth and power. It is hard for me to imagine that, until I realize that by default I contribute to this mindset whenever I buy in to the idea of always needing more/buying more that is so hardwired into the American culture.  This scares me because I do want to leave the world better, or at least make room for our future people, AND for the rest of the flora and fauna that we have such casual disregard for. This keeps me up at night. That this does not bother some people is something I cannot fathom, but have come to understand as true. Maybe they don't think about it, or don't relate their actions with the outcomes for the planet. 

Well, now I digress. I do think that for those who purport to care about the future for our children,  there is a fundamental difference in world views. I would like to make the argument for one over the other as the healthier and more effective way to move forward.  I know I will not convince some, and, as always, I invite comment, but here goes.

The idea that there is only one right way is wrong. 

The idea that different ways of seeing the world are dangerous or leading to the demise of "our values" ignores the fact that we have been in the process of physical and social change since the moment our species appeared. The world around us, the universe is also in a continual process of change. We only stop changing as an individual consciousness when we die, and then our physical body decays...ie changes. We try to hold on to something definite, something eternal in order to give our own lives meaning. That is a common quest among people. There is nothing wrong with that.

We try to have rules for a group of people to be able to live together and that is necessary.  I would list the basic tenets behind any rules as not using our power to denigrate others physically, socially or emotionally. Understanding that life and death are both integral parts of our existence here and that while all creatures cling to their own individual lives, death comes to all, then working to help lift up others and let them live and try not to be a proximate cause of death would be another.  Be true to yourself, but don't make it harder for others to be true to themselves.  Understand equipoise. Lean towards the light.

We live in a country founded by people who were trying to limit the number or rules needed to live together in order to maximize freedom to pursue life, liberty and happiness- which are not further defined.  We all cry out for our first amendment freedom of speech to express our own opinions. 

A plethora of people came from different cultures to settle in this country that was already inhabited by people of many different cultures when they got here. I think we are all starting to see that our "colonizing" attitude and actions which strove to destroy cultures was wrongheaded. We lost valuable people and ideas. So why in this "melting pot" do many continue to insist that there is only one way, one God, one set of social  norms?  We really need to figure out that if we have found certainty in chaos then that is good, but that others may not want to cling to the same life boat, and they are not wrong.

We can have basic tenets of behavior without punishing each other for seeing the world through different eyes. 

So how does this relate to children you say?  

Parents- you don't own your children. They are not here to live out your dreams. They are not here to take care of you. They are not here to fill your emotional voids. Children are people. They start out as dependent creatures with brains that explode with just a little interaction with other creatures. They are not rational. They try to fit in with what they see around them, but they don't always. Ultimately,  they grow into unique individuals who may look a little like us but whose minds and bodies have encountered different experiences than us even while living with us. They are not us. If we punish them for seeing the world differently, for being different, then we damage them. It may not be easy for you if your children are not what you expect them to be, or what you thought they were going to be, or what you thought they were. But don't punish them or deny the validity of their experiences. 

Why do I say this with such conviction? We have lost so much by trying to put people in boxes according to our own world view and we live in a time where we need different ideas, different ways of living if we are to thrive or even survive. Children can be our salvation, but only if we do our best to learn from them instead of teaching them how they "must" act or think to fit in with our current cultural world view. Yes, they are dependent on us- for physical sustenance, for interaction, for guidance, but not for instilling our own lifeboats that we cling to for certainty into them. They will find some, or better, find that uncertainty doesn't have to be a bad thing...it can be scary but also exhilarating, can lead to new things, better things. 

Love is an excellent rock to anchor our uncertainty on. It is enough. It is the bedrock of health. Children need our love. We all need love.

Spend just a little time with a child...listen to the questions they have. Watch them explore an insect or clump of grass on  the ground. See them experience the world for the first time and watch their reactions. Try not to let impatience for "things that have to get done, places we have to get to blind us to the beauty in the world, or to the ugliness that we choose to ignore. Celebrate their imaginations. Celebrate your own. My daughter is very interested in birds, and (as many others) I spent time during this pandemic, learning more about the creatures who come to my feeders or who I find at the corner park. It is amazing what you see, once you remember to look...Share those moments with your children.

Children need someone to talk with them, and to listen to them. They need someone to read with them, sing with them, be in nature with them, to let them explore, to run around, to fall, to color on the walls, to let them try, to let them fail, to feed them, to let them ask questions and to admit we don't know all the answers. They need someone to love them, someone who accepts who they discover they are, even if it is not what we expected or are familiar with. They need someone to listen to doubts and fears that will come as they grow. We can try to support them with our love as they pursue their own dreams. This may be scary, these are scary times. They need to know someone has their back.

Whenever we dismiss a child's curiosity and wonder we fail them and we fail ourselves. 

It is not simple or easy to live in our culture and raise children in this way. We are expected to be a certain way too. We are rushed and impatient some times. We need to make money, put dinner on the table, get them to school...There are rules for us and for them that are "stupid" or unnecessary but that we have to follow all the same. But we can step back and separate what is important to us and help children understand the balance as they grow. We can value their questions and their differences and learn from them. 

Be true to yourself.

Don't make it harder for others to be true to themselves

Lean towards the light.

As my child's first Pediatrician and my mentor told me when I first embarked on the journey that is parenthood..."Just love them, the rest will come." Harvey Hamrick MD

Peace out.

Sheila

Suggested Reading: 1. Put your book down and go outside. Anywhere. And look around. Go to a park, go with a child. Take a walk around the block. Inhale around trees and feel the peacefulness. Stand by a body of water. Play. Take in the world with wonder for a moment. Make this a habit:)

                                2. Look at "the invisible people" in your community. See them for individuals just like yourself and think about what you can do to change their plight. Don't look away if it hurts you to think about them. Think about how they feel, they also deserve to have dignity. 

Spotify playlist: "Wordknerrd blog #10" public by smknerr