Looking and Listening

“Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

I found this quote on twitter. Rhett Miller had tweeted it out as it has always inspired him. As I write this I realize, I don't think I have mentioned Rhett Miller at all in this blog yet. I have been listening to his music (with the Old 97's and his solo work) for several years (since the 1990s). I first saw him in concert about 6 years ago and was hooked not just on the music- the multitude of songs I had not heard and had yet to enjoy, but also on his "humanity" for lack of a better word; his willingness to explore and share his creative journey as well as his less glamorous realities of marriage and fatherhood.  ("Rock stars used to be such mythical creatures..."). I have had the good fortune to chat briefly with him after his show a few times (and once before when I  spied him going to eat dinner before his show). He has a podcast which I listened to once or twice, but as you may know I am just not a podcast person. I love to read a book or listen to music but I stop paying attention about 10 minutes into a podcast, no matter who it is. Anyway, take a listen to his music or his words (or get both when you livestream his tri-weekly shows on stageit and someday see him in person again). He has a great voice, but I especially love when he harmonizes for Murry Hammond on songs like "the Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue" and "Valentine." 

Anyway, I digress

We have started a weekly family painting/zoom meeting. It is a way to connect and to create. My daughter had started painting as a way to unwind. My husband quickly picked up on it and is now painting almost daily- finding inspiration and tips from social media sites.  I dabble. But we all create something...no matter how bad it is (or good). 

I am hoping that this creative process may help us find relief from the stress and anxiety we are experiencing. I know I am languishing (see below):

( "Languishing: the void between depression and flourishing--the absence of well being". Adam Grant     Full article in NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/19/well/mind/covid-mental-health-languishing.html ).

One piece of advice my husband found was the idea that before you can learn how to paint, you need to learn how to see. 

I think this is a truly wonderful piece of advice and I think about it daily. Even if I never paint. I find it very useful and I would add to it the following...

"Before you can speak, you must learn how to listen. 
Before you can learn how to write, you must learn how to notice.
Before you learn how to exist in a community, you must learn about its' different members.
Before you can be at peace, you must learn how to appreciate the beauty around you..."

When I walk with my dogs down to our park, I tromp through the woods with them. I am learning how to notice and appreciate the sharpness of the colors, the flora and fauna that come and go with the changing seasons. Right now we are enjoying watching the frogs in the ponds, the red winged blackbirds in the fields, and the yellow and white and purple plants carpeting the vivid green ground in the wetlands and river's edge. I am starting to learn names but that is secondary to appreciating their brief existences, the predictability of their comings and goings. I have been living here for years but each year I notice more. 

Right now I am in an anxious state. I realize as I notice myself more, that I have always dealt with anxiety in my life. I just haven't always had a name for it, or realized that these periodic feelings of dread are not something that everyone experiences. They pass. I have support and love. I realize that the anxiety is fear about something that has not/may not happen. Being involved, confronting the anxiety by "diving in" can help...Many times there is no defined event I am anxious about. That is tougher. I have been told that "living in the present" can help alleviate anxiety as anxiety is about the future. Maybe I am not good enough at this yet but in my experience it helps to do yoga, to focus on creating something or just trying mindfulness, but the effect is fleeting and the advice can become a platitude, an admonishment to do better.

 During the pandemic the episodes of anxiety may be more frequent. I think my anxiety alternates between expressing itself as physical symptoms and these feelings of dread. I am not sure which I can deal with more easily.  My husband and I have in the past focused on physical challenges to give us a shared sense of purpose...a goal to achieve. (I almost always complain about them but it does me good). Right now I am focused on wanting to hike mountains, but as yet have not ventured further than our local parks. In May we head to Colorado so we'll see how that goes. It is not a visit just to hike (my daughter is graduating from college) but there will be an opportunity to do so. It is a vague goal though, I need something more concrete. It is similar to my goal of moving - I REALLY want to, but when? where? What if my husband and I have different ideas about if, when and where to move? I keep talking about moving "away from the things of man," and picking out properties with many acres of woods. I think he thinks I am not really serious as I have been doing this for years. But I am, and I would TODAY if I could...soon I hope. I want to be a dog sitter, walker, rescuer...who shares books, promotes literacy. Let me know if you have any ideas for me

I think I need a more concrete goal to help me out. A concert to look forward to. A challenge to meet. Physical activity is the best antidote I have found so far. I am running more now, but I still keep going through the days, trying to find the imagination to get out of the box I feel I am in, -as does the rest of my family. (Even the dogs seem to be languishing but maybe I am projecting).

So we paint, and we blog and we exercise and we work. Some of us go to therapy. Some of us read alot. We try to adapt. We try. We are all trying. Keep trying.

Sometimes, I think about this reflection from Aldo Leopold in the 1940s: "It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear." 

This is the jumping in that I am talking about, but that I am sometimes afraid to really do. I can do it with the little things, but the big things...I am a security seeker. I don't know if it is right to be okay with being a little fearful of the marathon but signing up anyway, but not willing to take a financial risk to do a new career when I don't really know what that career would be...I don't know. I guess the answer is different for everyone and it comes down to how you feel about it yourself not what others tell you is right. It is a struggle. Not just for young people but for everyone. It is also a luxury I have. I try not to forget that. Gratitude can get you a very long way. Where is the balance? What is my balance? I think as long as I have my core group of creatures around me, I'll be okay. Thanks everyone. 

Peace out.

Sheila

Book Recommendations: 

"Ship Fever"  and "Servants of the Map" Andrea Barrett

"This Tender Land" William Kent Kreuger

Henry and Mudge  Cythina Rylant

Frog and Toad are Friends - Arnold Loebel

Playlist XPN Inspiration -search sknerr public playlists of click on this link: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0IqLNR3BQTm06fsJYikLif?si=3cd91fb9c1f340f8

Does anybody really know what time it is?

"Together and apart
Do it all again
Right back to the start
Straight up to the end
I'm such a fool
Got everything and you
Yet my heart is so blue
I'm singing for nothing

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I swear that I don't pay attention
If I did, would intervention come to me in a dream?

Or is that just what the directors and the pills and
Other deflectors would have you believe?
Psychotic, hypnotic, erotic; which box is your thing?
Fact how many days a week do you feel
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected?
What do you need?
What do you need?

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
I know the sun will shine
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected
What do you need?" 

    Jade Bird

"Well, then can I walk beside you? I have come to lose the smog.
And I feel like I'm a cog in something turning.
And maybe it's the time of year, yes, and maybe it's the time of man.
And I don't know who I am but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
and we got to get ourselves back to the garden."

    Joni Mitchel

"I will try

 I will try. 

 I will step from the house to see what I see 

 and hear and I will praise it.

 I did not come into this world

 to be comforted.

 I came, like the red bird, to sing.

 But I'm not the red bird, with his head-mop of flame

 and the red triangle of his mouth

 full of tongue and whistles, 

 but a woman whose love has vanished,

 who thinks now, too much, of roots 

 and the dark places 

 where everything is simply holding on.

 But this too, I believe, is a place

 where God is keeping watch 

 until we rise, and step forth again and---

 but wait. Be still. Listen!

 Is it red bird? Or something 

 inside myself, singing?"

Mary Oliver

 This blog is about cycles. Bear with me. 

There are cycles all around us- seasons end and then return. We see the moon's full reflection, then it waxes and wanes.  Animals, vegetables, minerals, they all go through cycles. Individuals come and go but life/consciousness persists. Is there an ongoing consciousness?

 Buddhists believe our quest is to  ultimately be released from our cycle of physicality to become part of the eternal enlightenment. (a rough non Buddhist summary of a far more complex belief system, based on limited readings). Christianity teaches us our quest is to reach heaven for "eternal life" with God.  But we can't really grasp what never ending joy would be. Would it be dull? (check out "the good place" and "good omens" for some funny thoughts on this matter). "Jews believe in individual and collective participation in an eternal dialogue with God through tradition, rituals, prayers and ethical actions. The most important teaching of Judaism is that there is one God, who wants people to do what is just and compassionate. " Wikipedia and conversations/exposure to the Jewish religion/rituals/readings. The Jews focus more on the here and now and understand the continuity is of the faith, not the person so much. There are a multitude of other belief systems many of us have ignored that honor the cycles of the world. They honor the physical and the spiritual properties of beings- I am thinking of druids and other "pagans" and "indigenous" peoples and their belief systems.  Some people believe in "something bigger than themselves" that is undefined, that is eternal, that brings value to the universe. Others only see the physical world and rale against any "non rational, non scientific, non physical" explanations for anything. They deny that there is any intrinsic meaning or value to life. It just is, and any systems of morality exist to allow us to live together in this world but are not ordained from above or beyond. I think Plato and Aristotle had some things to say about this but I am ages away from my Philosophy 101 studies. 

The point is we humans recognize and take comfort in cycles. Things change, but they also stay the same. We also have cycles of hope and despair throughout our own lives and throughout our shared history. There have been dark times before, just as many would describe this time as dark. We are starting to see the light at the end of the Pandemic- if we can just "run through the finish line" and not drop out with 10 yards to go. As someone who has run a few marathons, I understand how deeply tempting it may be to stop even with the finish line so close. It is irrational and stupid, but oh so tempting. Keep wearing  your masks and physically distancing for just a bit longer. Get your vaccine as soon as you can....

I think the real point of this blog when I set out to write it is to point out that cycles imply change- death AND rebirth- but we don't really understand what that means beyond what nature shows us...really. In our own lives when we are in a period of despair it is supremely hard to imagine a time when it will not be bad. This is not a fault of us as individuals. It is part of the human condition. Sadly,  if we lose connection with others and with the natural world, we may not recognize that this despair will have an end and feel that continuing in this period of despair is too painful,  death by our own hand would be a release.  Jadebird sings of this despair, but finds a little hope- I know the sun will shine, another day, another time.  Joni Mitchell understands both the cycles of life (getting back to the garden) and the need for connection- "by the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong!" Mary Oliver finds hope in herself and in nature- here the red bird.  I just want to put it out there. Life will change, hope is not misplaced. We can't see that sometimes. Don't get lost in despair. FInd a connection. You can start with me if you want. I am here.

Reading suggestions: 

1. Siddhartha ' Herman Hesse 1951

2. East of Eden - John Steinbeck 1952 "thou mayest"

*3. Red Bird - Mary Oliver 2008

Play list - public on spotify smknerr "I get no joy"

 https://open.spotify.com/user/smknerr/playlist/7zOmRrLGC5qLvZdvjpxwIT?si=093lUX0-T7OvC1dDiG2OZg

Our future depends on imagining new things, who better to rely on than children?

"When you pay attention to the beginning of the story, you can change the whole story." Raffi Cavoukian, singer and founder of Canada’s Centre for Child Honouring

"You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make brand new ending." James R. Sherman

 "I have spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am, and I am tired." Marshall, Joe vs the Volcano

"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how big... thank you. Thank you for my life." Joe, Joe vs the Volcano

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement." Patricia, Joe vs the Volcano

Although we may feel like there is no common ground among us anymore, I  think we can all at least agree that the country/world is not currently as we would hope it to be. I think we can also agree that we would like the world to be better for our children. Well, maybe not everyone agrees on that. Some people just really feel like they have the right to use and destroy whatever they want in order to accumulate wealth and power. It is hard for me to imagine that, until I realize that by default I contribute to this mindset whenever I buy in to the idea of always needing more/buying more that is so hardwired into the American culture.  This scares me because I do want to leave the world better, or at least make room for our future people, AND for the rest of the flora and fauna that we have such casual disregard for. This keeps me up at night. That this does not bother some people is something I cannot fathom, but have come to understand as true. Maybe they don't think about it, or don't relate their actions with the outcomes for the planet. 

Well, now I digress. I do think that for those who purport to care about the future for our children,  there is a fundamental difference in world views. I would like to make the argument for one over the other as the healthier and more effective way to move forward.  I know I will not convince some, and, as always, I invite comment, but here goes.

The idea that there is only one right way is wrong. 

The idea that different ways of seeing the world are dangerous or leading to the demise of "our values" ignores the fact that we have been in the process of physical and social change since the moment our species appeared. The world around us, the universe is also in a continual process of change. We only stop changing as an individual consciousness when we die, and then our physical body decays...ie changes. We try to hold on to something definite, something eternal in order to give our own lives meaning. That is a common quest among people. There is nothing wrong with that.

We try to have rules for a group of people to be able to live together and that is necessary.  I would list the basic tenets behind any rules as not using our power to denigrate others physically, socially or emotionally. Understanding that life and death are both integral parts of our existence here and that while all creatures cling to their own individual lives, death comes to all, then working to help lift up others and let them live and try not to be a proximate cause of death would be another.  Be true to yourself, but don't make it harder for others to be true to themselves.  Understand equipoise. Lean towards the light.

We live in a country founded by people who were trying to limit the number or rules needed to live together in order to maximize freedom to pursue life, liberty and happiness- which are not further defined.  We all cry out for our first amendment freedom of speech to express our own opinions. 

A plethora of people came from different cultures to settle in this country that was already inhabited by people of many different cultures when they got here. I think we are all starting to see that our "colonizing" attitude and actions which strove to destroy cultures was wrongheaded. We lost valuable people and ideas. So why in this "melting pot" do many continue to insist that there is only one way, one God, one set of social  norms?  We really need to figure out that if we have found certainty in chaos then that is good, but that others may not want to cling to the same life boat, and they are not wrong.

We can have basic tenets of behavior without punishing each other for seeing the world through different eyes. 

So how does this relate to children you say?  

Parents- you don't own your children. They are not here to live out your dreams. They are not here to take care of you. They are not here to fill your emotional voids. Children are people. They start out as dependent creatures with brains that explode with just a little interaction with other creatures. They are not rational. They try to fit in with what they see around them, but they don't always. Ultimately,  they grow into unique individuals who may look a little like us but whose minds and bodies have encountered different experiences than us even while living with us. They are not us. If we punish them for seeing the world differently, for being different, then we damage them. It may not be easy for you if your children are not what you expect them to be, or what you thought they were going to be, or what you thought they were. But don't punish them or deny the validity of their experiences. 

Why do I say this with such conviction? We have lost so much by trying to put people in boxes according to our own world view and we live in a time where we need different ideas, different ways of living if we are to thrive or even survive. Children can be our salvation, but only if we do our best to learn from them instead of teaching them how they "must" act or think to fit in with our current cultural world view. Yes, they are dependent on us- for physical sustenance, for interaction, for guidance, but not for instilling our own lifeboats that we cling to for certainty into them. They will find some, or better, find that uncertainty doesn't have to be a bad thing...it can be scary but also exhilarating, can lead to new things, better things. 

Love is an excellent rock to anchor our uncertainty on. It is enough. It is the bedrock of health. Children need our love. We all need love.

Spend just a little time with a child...listen to the questions they have. Watch them explore an insect or clump of grass on  the ground. See them experience the world for the first time and watch their reactions. Try not to let impatience for "things that have to get done, places we have to get to blind us to the beauty in the world, or to the ugliness that we choose to ignore. Celebrate their imaginations. Celebrate your own. My daughter is very interested in birds, and (as many others) I spent time during this pandemic, learning more about the creatures who come to my feeders or who I find at the corner park. It is amazing what you see, once you remember to look...Share those moments with your children.

Children need someone to talk with them, and to listen to them. They need someone to read with them, sing with them, be in nature with them, to let them explore, to run around, to fall, to color on the walls, to let them try, to let them fail, to feed them, to let them ask questions and to admit we don't know all the answers. They need someone to love them, someone who accepts who they discover they are, even if it is not what we expected or are familiar with. They need someone to listen to doubts and fears that will come as they grow. We can try to support them with our love as they pursue their own dreams. This may be scary, these are scary times. They need to know someone has their back.

Whenever we dismiss a child's curiosity and wonder we fail them and we fail ourselves. 

It is not simple or easy to live in our culture and raise children in this way. We are expected to be a certain way too. We are rushed and impatient some times. We need to make money, put dinner on the table, get them to school...There are rules for us and for them that are "stupid" or unnecessary but that we have to follow all the same. But we can step back and separate what is important to us and help children understand the balance as they grow. We can value their questions and their differences and learn from them. 

Be true to yourself.

Don't make it harder for others to be true to themselves

Lean towards the light.

As my child's first Pediatrician and my mentor told me when I first embarked on the journey that is parenthood..."Just love them, the rest will come." Harvey Hamrick MD

Peace out.

Sheila

Suggested Reading: 1. Put your book down and go outside. Anywhere. And look around. Go to a park, go with a child. Take a walk around the block. Inhale around trees and feel the peacefulness. Stand by a body of water. Play. Take in the world with wonder for a moment. Make this a habit:)

                                2. Look at "the invisible people" in your community. See them for individuals just like yourself and think about what you can do to change their plight. Don't look away if it hurts you to think about them. Think about how they feel, they also deserve to have dignity. 

Spotify playlist: "Wordknerrd blog #10" public by smknerr

Fear

 " My friends are so alone, it breaks my heart, my friends don't understand we all are lost..." Mondo Cozmo

"Fear, make me wanna hurt you..." Little Steven

At first I felt like I had so much to say, so many thoughts I had put down randomly through the years that I wanted to share. Not that I have all the answers, (or any,) but I at least felt comfortable enough with my thoughts to reflect, share and receive responses. To be clear, there have not been many responses- thanks to my one follower:), but I was and still am ready to hear alternative opinions.

These past weeks I have been thinking about fear. I am reading "An Absolutely Remarkable Thing" by Hank Green. I'm not done, and I won't ruin it for those who haven't read it, but I will just say that there is some discussion about two "competing" views of the world...those who believe we must steel ourselves and put up defenses to be prepared for new things to be dangerous or evil, and those who believe we should "send out to the universe what we would like to get back...ie love." This latter point of view opens you up to be taken advantage of and possibly (probably) hurt or disappointed at times. I have long espoused this point of view, understanding these possible ramifications.

What (I think) this book is going to try to point out, is that those of us who try for love over fear can fall into two traps...The first trap is that since we are so obviously in the right, those who do not see things our way are obviously misguided, deluded, close minded, hypocrites. And we thus set ourselves up to see the world as two competing world views. But even if we are "in the right", is pitting one group against another really a solution? And then we try to proselytize and can't for the life of us figure out why others can't see the world as we do. Then we fall into the second trap- the idea that we are somehow superior to those other fools who are ruled by their fear.

Here are some of my thoughts about it. I think we all need to acknowledge that we all live in fear and everyday we need to try to overcome it in small or large ways in order to live in the world. Some of us may have lower or higher levels of fear or anxiety but I think we all struggle with it at some level. 

I also acknowledge that not all our fear is misguided fear, but I do think that at this point in our evolution, most of it is unhealthy. Early life experiences shape our brains and influence the chemical reactions our bodies have to things we encounter later in life. Adverse childhood experiences (poverty, abuse, absent parents, war, pandemic...) clearly influence how our minds and bodies see and react to the world. They influence our sense of self and our risk of chronic diseases as well as our risk of behaving in unhealthy ways. They shape our brains. Adult adverse experiences- assault, rape, war, refugee status, poverty, homelessness to name a few, also make us more wary, more fearful in general. We have things that trigger us to experience (and reexperience) physical fear. This can surely make us see the world as a scary place especially if we do not feel we have control over our own decision making or destiny.

Even those fortunate to have either no adversity in life, or to have enough buffers/resilience to function in most circumstances, also have very different life experiences. Our families raise us with different beliefs, we live in different types of communities, with different geographies, different religions, different population densities, different levels of affluence. Some live or travel in/to a variety of places, some stay in one place. We have different educational experiences. We have different levels of privilege.

But if we acknowledge that we all have fear, that we each have fear, then we can have a conversation about how we want to be if we could let go of some of that fear- as individuals and as a species. And if we acknowledge that we all have fear and that we struggle with it daily, then we can let go of our air of  superiority and not fall into the us vs them trap. Then we can examine what our own fear is leading to...greed, anxiety, prejudice, inability to change/adapt, unwillingness to try new things, accept other people. We ALL have to do this. 

I think fear is intimately entwined with our ego and our physical self. I think it ties in with my idea of consciousness as a property of the universe, but I am certainly not the the first or the only person to promote the idea of letting go of your own ego, and to embrace the idea of your physical self as a temporary shell, to recognize yourself as just a small part of the something much bigger. - Western and Eastern philosophies/religions are based on this idea...the idea of letting go of your earthly physical concerns and recognizing that giving in to love, kindness is the way to salvation, to release. "Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me and I will give you rest."

Popular culture is rife with examples- "use the force Luke." 

But despite being surrounded by examples to follow, we all cling to our own lives (all species do this). We cling to life and so are we doomed to live in fear? I hope not. I hope we can acknowledge our fears, acknowledge the existence and the sources of fear in ourselves and try to understand the existence and sources of fears that others have as a start. If we acknowledge that we are part of something bigger and that we are all "the other, " really work on letting go of our own egos even a little, and if we then see how fears manifest in ourselves and in others we can begin our work as individuals and as a society to help each other.

When we "conquer" a fear, or more likely do something despite our  fear, we often feel a sense of accomplishment, pleasure, relief. But it can be very hard.

My thought is that we acknowledge our fears and their manifestations, then enlist help to try, to trust, to do and see where that leads. Every day in a small way.

Peace Out.

Sheila

Book Recommendation: "An Absolutely Remarkable Thing." Hank Green

Album recommendation: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band- "Darkness on the Edge of Town" - because really I can't say it any better than this...

Playlist: Spotify search smknerr public playlist: "Fear"

Consciousness as a Property of the Universe

  

It has been a busy, sometimes hard month and I have not posted on this blog in that time. The following are really rough notes about something I have been considering for a long time.

I invite you to think about the following and would love to hear about any further reading that any of you would suggest on the topic.

Thank you and be well.

Peace out...

The hard problem of consciousness is the problem of explaining why any physical state is conscious rather than nonconscious. 

Panpsychism is the view that all things have a mind or a mind-like quality. The word itself was coined by the Italian philosopher Francesco Patrizi in the sixteenth century, and derives from the two Greek words pan (all) and psyche (soul or mind).

BUT..."what is mind?—is more difficult and contentious. Here panpsychism is on neither better nor worse footing than any other approach to mind; it argues only that one’s notion of mind, however conceived, must apply in some degree to all things.

The panpsychist conception of mind must be sufficiently broad to plausibly encompass humans and non-human objects as well. Panpsychists typically see the human mind as a unique, highly-refined instance of some more universal concept. They argue that mind in, say, lower animals, plants, or rocks is neither as sophisticated nor as complex as that of human beings. But this in turn raises new questions: What common mental quality or qualities are shared by these things? And why should we even call such qualities “mental” in the first place?

from the (Peer reviewed) Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy (who knew?)

But what if we understand consciousness as a property of the universe, like elecrtomagnetic radiation or gravity. All living creatures have the ability to tap into this at greater or lesser degrees and perhaps by different mechanisms. Gravity affects us all, rocks, birds, people. Electromagnetic radiation...well

 Electromagnetic radiation is a form of energy that is present all around us and takes various forms like microwaves, television waves, radio waves, gamma rays, X-rays, and visible light. 

We know different creatures experience different forms of EM radiation to greater or lesser degrees. We can see certain colors of light, but other species can experience a different range of colors (Ultraviolet is just light) 

  Our “self” or ego is the biochemical response to consciousness and is shaped by our particular circumstances and physical attributes,  but we are all part of the collective consciousness. We are all then truly the child in the detention center in Arizona, and the preteen struggling with their gender identity, and the mother and the old white gentleman. We are all the same. It is quite a concept and why should we believe that.? I don’t know but isn’t that a bit like God? Michael Pollan just released a book about the use of psychedelic drugs. It is on my list but still unread. I did listen to an interview he did and he talks of their successful use in medicine- specifically to treat anxiety and depression in concert with cognitive therapy. He also discusses their similarity to people’s reports of “near death experiences.” He describes it as kind of a “rebooting” of our egos. The drugs cause us to dissociate ourselves from our experiences. We can look at the particular stories of who we are that we tell ourselves (our egos) as if we are outside of ourselves. In this way we can see the destructive stories “objectively” and understand that we don’t have to keep telling them to ourselves. We can change. 

  But how do psychologists define ego? Freud, that sexually fixated, psychologist, did advance a framework still used today when he described the ego, id and superego. The id being our “primitive” desires/wants for immediate gratification, the superego being the “internalization of cultural rules/morality- ie our conscience and inner critic, and the ego as “our conscious awareness” whose job it is to separate out “what is real” or to “make sense of our reality”- even if we lie to ourselves/make up stories in order to have the input to our brains “make sense” (corpus collosum experiments). 

  Neuroscience tells us about the amygdala (primitive, emotion laden (fear, anger, lust, joy), immediate reward area of our brain and the prefrontal cortex (the executive planning, delayed gratification, more “rational” part of our brain) and the struggle between the two that we feel when we are presented with a decision point. We know that we are “fighting within ourselves” between which path to follow. But “who” is mediating this fight and who decides the winner? Why do we tend to follow the same paths over and over, even when they are destructive? 

 These are fascinating questions and I don’t have the answer. But the synthesis of my readings and experiences has led me to think of this idea of consciousness as a potentially viable one. What do you think? 

See also Annika Harris’s book “Consciousness” for further discussion of this idea. As well as “The Case Against Reality.”

Playlist on spotify at smknerr "Comfortably Numb"

  "No culture has yet solved the dilemma each has faced with the growth of a conscious mind, how to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, of the horror inherent in all life, when one finds darkness not only in one's own culture, but within oneself. If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated all at once, life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great persistent questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of a leaning into the light." Barry Lopez from Arctic Dreams 

"The function of a writer is to undermine the complacency that comes with dogma, the idea that it has all been figured out." Barry Lopez (paraphrased).

Relying on dogma to define your role in this world, forces you to turn away from reality when you are faced with the inevitable people, situations, and facts that do not align with your dogma. You must close your eyes to what your senses perceive. This makes it easier to lie to you. If you believe your dogma is the only reality, it makes it easier to pit you against others. 

It is time for America to grow up and face the realities that our dogmas have created. Racism, sexism, speciesism, violence, hatred, lies. We have created this madness that is running amok. If we want to rescue democracy we must embrace diversity, we must be humble in our willingness to accept that we don't know the answers, that no one does, but we must live leaning into the light.

Peace out.

PS I realize I am leaning heavily on Barry Lopez these days. There is a new voice I have discovered...

Suggested reading: "Outposts: A Journey to the Wild Ends of the Earth." Dan Richards                                                            "Olive, Mabel and Me." Andrew Cotter

playlist: Wordknerrd blog #6 the insurrection week

 

Generation Gaps

Burpees as a metaphor for life: (in Haiku)

The Optimist

Fall down on the ground. Reach the bottom, Rise again. A small jump: triumph.

The Pessimist 

Fall down on the ground. Reach the bottom, rise again. Jump. Joy. Down again.

"The summit is what drives us, but the climb itself is what matters." Conrad Anker

At the end of 2018 my husband decided we needed a new goal. So we signed up for our 3rd marathon. He talked me into it by making it a destination race (Burlington Vermont) and I was in. But then we started talking about burpees. And one of us (I think it was me), said what if we do one more burpee every day of 2019. We were in pretty good shape but as we thought through the process, we thought "wow, imagine doing 50 burpees. How long would that take? How about 100? 300? Now we are talking crazy talk. I thought about my 12 hour shifts at the hospital and how would I do burpees before or after that? But I said, let's just start and see how long it lasts. Our initial goal was to make it to 50. We gave ourselves the day off in advance for the day we ran our marathon. And we were off. I started getting up 30 minutes early on days I worked. We got to 50, then to 100, 150. We trained for our marathon. We kept going with burpees. All of our old leg/hip injuries had revisited us during our marathon training but we persisted. Neither of us broke any records (not even our own). But we ran the race. We each learned something more about ourselves, as every marathon is a teacher. And we had a fun weekend in Vermont.

We kept at it with the burpees too. I started getting neck pain in September during a weekend biking trip. We persisted. Finally, at day 343, we decided for real that we had crossed too far over the line between mental toughness and stupidity. We did complete the requisite 66,795 burpees, but not by 12/31/19. It took us until May, 2020. In the meantime there were steroid injections in my neck, physical therapy and some rest. And I wrote my first poems.

I share this story to give you a sense of the value my husband and I place on working hard to achieve goals. It doesn't matter what the goal is..."It's not the thing you fling, it's the fling itself." Northern Exposure season 3 episode 14.

This past summer, my 3 children, my husband and I decided to start a family book club/podcast club. My husband chose the book "Grit" by Angela Duckworth from U Penn. We both enjoyed it and were pleased to see we scored high on the "Are you a gritty parent?" checklist. We felt we had served our children well. Set a goal, focus, work hard, believe...don't quit in the middle of a season. Persevere. Set realistic goals, smart goals, establish a support system. Success will happen if you bring passion and discipline to the task.

To our surprise, our children were not so happy with the message of this book. They did not value grit as highly as other things, like self care for example. I must admit, I felt a little twinge of the "these kids, don't know how to work hard" sentiment, and I do worry that self care can degenerate to self indulgence, and not include self sacrifice. At the same time, I remembered the conscious decision that my husband and I made all those years ago to not work full time; To find jobs doing what we enjoyed, jobs that gave back to others and committing ourselves to them, but not completely. We were parents and our children needed us. We were dog parents too and we did not want any creature consigned to sitting on the couch or at daycare waiting for us. We wanted to be with each other. My goal was always that my husband and I would be able to have lunch together. Ironically, this was only achieved during the current pandemic... In any case, we had our priorities and we tried to be true to them and they weren't all about being the best, going the farthest etc. They were about valuing our relationship. But we did both go through demanding graduate/professional programs and we do value setting goals and working to meet them, and we enjoy physical challenges as a way to strengthen our bodies and minds.

Back to the present, the fascinating thing about these family talks was the continued realization that our children have absorbed our shared experiences differently than we did, and they also had many experiences at schools, clubs, with friends, without us, and they shaped them too. We are also all at different places in our lives, and they are all now adults. I have to respect that they each have their own way of seeing the world, their own priorities. I started thinking about the reality of a "generation gap." I don't want to be the curmudgeon I often feel I am becoming so I try very hard to listen and to not be entrenched in my own ways of thinking. Grit is fine, they said, but not for its' own sake. And who needs to be the "best" at anything/everything? They had less focus on being "gritty" and more focus on being kind to themselves, valuing relationships, exploring how other's experienced the world and embracing tolerance.

One of our next books was "This book will make you Kinder" by Henry Garrett. Another book was "Non Binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity" which I spoke about in my first post. I had them read "Our Homesick Songs" by Emma Hooper. There is alot of analysis and alot of broadening of categories and creating new ones, that my children embrace. There is a whole lot more comfort with discussions about diversity and a willingness to start to delve into other once more taboo subjects.

I think the progression from the competitive mind set to the tolerant, kind, inclusive mindset is a constructive way for the world to move. I appreciate my children giving me a different way to see things, and of reminding me about what I already value. I hope to keep learning. God knows we don't have all the answers. And we have turned a blind eye to many things we should have been paying attention to. Our chickens our coming home to roost as our climate rushes towards inhabitability, as our population crowds out our own resources, never mind the rest of the creatures on our planet. We have allowed Jim Crow to persist as we rush towards our own goals. We have ignored the inability of others to have goals beyond getting through the day.

I know there are people of my generation, and those of prior generations, who have been more aware and done a great deal of work for social justice and to care for our environment. I am speaking for myself when I say I have not done enough.

I'd like to end by honoring one of my favorite authors who died on Christmas day. I came late to the work of Barry Lopez but he had a life full of travel, immersion and observation. He reflected and shared his vision of the world and all of its' inhabitants with humility and kindness. His wisdom shines through in his many works of non fiction and fiction. He is probably known best for "Arctic Dreams" and more recently "Horizon." I feel so grateful that I found his work. I wrote to him last year after reading Horizon. A year later I got a type written postcard from him, a simple note thanking me for my letter. He had read it last year, and reread it this year. I was so pleased that we had made this small connection. I wrote again after I started this blog, since I quote him so frequently. It was then I found out that his home in Oregon had been damaged in one of the many wildfires that are a consequence of our climate changing. Then I read on the 26th that he had succumbed to his cancer the day before. I don't know if he got my most recent note. I didn't know him, but I miss his voice already. It is a voice sorely needed in this world and I encourage anyone reading this to explore his work. He is far wiser than I.

I still miss Tom Petty too. It's been a few years since his sudden death. I never knew him,

or connected with him, except through his music. I don't even know why his loss seems so raw to me.

But it does. So I just want to take a moment to remember Mr. Lopez, Mr. Petty, and all of the people

I didn't know who are lost to us during this year of death.

2021 is fresh and new. Let's do better. Let's be kinder. Let's not forget, but let's move forward.

Peace Out.

"Grit" - Angela Duckworth 2019

"This Book will make you Kinder" - Henry Garrett 2020

"Our Homesick Songs" - Emma Hooper 2018

"On the Divinity of Second Chances" Kaya McLaren 2004

Bonus quote: "BE GOOD. BE KIND. BE HAPPY.

We do not just measure greatness by the peaks that we climb, or the heights that we reach, but rather by the positive impact that we create for ourselves, our communities, and our planet. Our goodness to each other is what makes us whole, and what endures for generations beyond our physical feats & achievements." Conrad Anker (from his website- check it out).

(I think this is what we want right?)