Looking and Listening

“Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

I found this quote on twitter. Rhett Miller had tweeted it out as it has always inspired him. As I write this I realize, I don't think I have mentioned Rhett Miller at all in this blog yet. I have been listening to his music (with the Old 97's and his solo work) for several years (since the 1990s). I first saw him in concert about 6 years ago and was hooked not just on the music- the multitude of songs I had not heard and had yet to enjoy, but also on his "humanity" for lack of a better word; his willingness to explore and share his creative journey as well as his less glamorous realities of marriage and fatherhood.  ("Rock stars used to be such mythical creatures..."). I have had the good fortune to chat briefly with him after his show a few times (and once before when I  spied him going to eat dinner before his show). He has a podcast which I listened to once or twice, but as you may know I am just not a podcast person. I love to read a book or listen to music but I stop paying attention about 10 minutes into a podcast, no matter who it is. Anyway, take a listen to his music or his words (or get both when you livestream his tri-weekly shows on stageit and someday see him in person again). He has a great voice, but I especially love when he harmonizes for Murry Hammond on songs like "the Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue" and "Valentine." 

Anyway, I digress

We have started a weekly family painting/zoom meeting. It is a way to connect and to create. My daughter had started painting as a way to unwind. My husband quickly picked up on it and is now painting almost daily- finding inspiration and tips from social media sites.  I dabble. But we all create something...no matter how bad it is (or good). 

I am hoping that this creative process may help us find relief from the stress and anxiety we are experiencing. I know I am languishing (see below):

( "Languishing: the void between depression and flourishing--the absence of well being". Adam Grant     Full article in NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/19/well/mind/covid-mental-health-languishing.html ).

One piece of advice my husband found was the idea that before you can learn how to paint, you need to learn how to see. 

I think this is a truly wonderful piece of advice and I think about it daily. Even if I never paint. I find it very useful and I would add to it the following...

"Before you can speak, you must learn how to listen. 
Before you can learn how to write, you must learn how to notice.
Before you learn how to exist in a community, you must learn about its' different members.
Before you can be at peace, you must learn how to appreciate the beauty around you..."

When I walk with my dogs down to our park, I tromp through the woods with them. I am learning how to notice and appreciate the sharpness of the colors, the flora and fauna that come and go with the changing seasons. Right now we are enjoying watching the frogs in the ponds, the red winged blackbirds in the fields, and the yellow and white and purple plants carpeting the vivid green ground in the wetlands and river's edge. I am starting to learn names but that is secondary to appreciating their brief existences, the predictability of their comings and goings. I have been living here for years but each year I notice more. 

Right now I am in an anxious state. I realize as I notice myself more, that I have always dealt with anxiety in my life. I just haven't always had a name for it, or realized that these periodic feelings of dread are not something that everyone experiences. They pass. I have support and love. I realize that the anxiety is fear about something that has not/may not happen. Being involved, confronting the anxiety by "diving in" can help...Many times there is no defined event I am anxious about. That is tougher. I have been told that "living in the present" can help alleviate anxiety as anxiety is about the future. Maybe I am not good enough at this yet but in my experience it helps to do yoga, to focus on creating something or just trying mindfulness, but the effect is fleeting and the advice can become a platitude, an admonishment to do better.

 During the pandemic the episodes of anxiety may be more frequent. I think my anxiety alternates between expressing itself as physical symptoms and these feelings of dread. I am not sure which I can deal with more easily.  My husband and I have in the past focused on physical challenges to give us a shared sense of purpose...a goal to achieve. (I almost always complain about them but it does me good). Right now I am focused on wanting to hike mountains, but as yet have not ventured further than our local parks. In May we head to Colorado so we'll see how that goes. It is not a visit just to hike (my daughter is graduating from college) but there will be an opportunity to do so. It is a vague goal though, I need something more concrete. It is similar to my goal of moving - I REALLY want to, but when? where? What if my husband and I have different ideas about if, when and where to move? I keep talking about moving "away from the things of man," and picking out properties with many acres of woods. I think he thinks I am not really serious as I have been doing this for years. But I am, and I would TODAY if I could...soon I hope. I want to be a dog sitter, walker, rescuer...who shares books, promotes literacy. Let me know if you have any ideas for me

I think I need a more concrete goal to help me out. A concert to look forward to. A challenge to meet. Physical activity is the best antidote I have found so far. I am running more now, but I still keep going through the days, trying to find the imagination to get out of the box I feel I am in, -as does the rest of my family. (Even the dogs seem to be languishing but maybe I am projecting).

So we paint, and we blog and we exercise and we work. Some of us go to therapy. Some of us read alot. We try to adapt. We try. We are all trying. Keep trying.

Sometimes, I think about this reflection from Aldo Leopold in the 1940s: "It must be a poor life that achieves freedom from fear." 

This is the jumping in that I am talking about, but that I am sometimes afraid to really do. I can do it with the little things, but the big things...I am a security seeker. I don't know if it is right to be okay with being a little fearful of the marathon but signing up anyway, but not willing to take a financial risk to do a new career when I don't really know what that career would be...I don't know. I guess the answer is different for everyone and it comes down to how you feel about it yourself not what others tell you is right. It is a struggle. Not just for young people but for everyone. It is also a luxury I have. I try not to forget that. Gratitude can get you a very long way. Where is the balance? What is my balance? I think as long as I have my core group of creatures around me, I'll be okay. Thanks everyone. 

Peace out.

Sheila

Book Recommendations: 

"Ship Fever"  and "Servants of the Map" Andrea Barrett

"This Tender Land" William Kent Kreuger

Henry and Mudge  Cythina Rylant

Frog and Toad are Friends - Arnold Loebel

Playlist XPN Inspiration -search sknerr public playlists of click on this link: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0IqLNR3BQTm06fsJYikLif?si=3cd91fb9c1f340f8

Does anybody really know what time it is?

"Together and apart
Do it all again
Right back to the start
Straight up to the end
I'm such a fool
Got everything and you
Yet my heart is so blue
I'm singing for nothing

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I swear that I don't pay attention
If I did, would intervention come to me in a dream?

Or is that just what the directors and the pills and
Other deflectors would have you believe?
Psychotic, hypnotic, erotic; which box is your thing?
Fact how many days a week do you feel
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected?
What do you need?
What do you need?

I get no joy
I get no joy
All the words my mother said
Can't seem to get them out my head
Everything becomes everything
You live, you learn, you love, you're dead
I get no joy

I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
Another day, another time
I know the sun will shine
I know the sun will shine
Electric, connected, unexpectedly affected
What do you need?" 

    Jade Bird

"Well, then can I walk beside you? I have come to lose the smog.
And I feel like I'm a cog in something turning.
And maybe it's the time of year, yes, and maybe it's the time of man.
And I don't know who I am but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
and we got to get ourselves back to the garden."

    Joni Mitchel

"I will try

 I will try. 

 I will step from the house to see what I see 

 and hear and I will praise it.

 I did not come into this world

 to be comforted.

 I came, like the red bird, to sing.

 But I'm not the red bird, with his head-mop of flame

 and the red triangle of his mouth

 full of tongue and whistles, 

 but a woman whose love has vanished,

 who thinks now, too much, of roots 

 and the dark places 

 where everything is simply holding on.

 But this too, I believe, is a place

 where God is keeping watch 

 until we rise, and step forth again and---

 but wait. Be still. Listen!

 Is it red bird? Or something 

 inside myself, singing?"

Mary Oliver

 This blog is about cycles. Bear with me. 

There are cycles all around us- seasons end and then return. We see the moon's full reflection, then it waxes and wanes.  Animals, vegetables, minerals, they all go through cycles. Individuals come and go but life/consciousness persists. Is there an ongoing consciousness?

 Buddhists believe our quest is to  ultimately be released from our cycle of physicality to become part of the eternal enlightenment. (a rough non Buddhist summary of a far more complex belief system, based on limited readings). Christianity teaches us our quest is to reach heaven for "eternal life" with God.  But we can't really grasp what never ending joy would be. Would it be dull? (check out "the good place" and "good omens" for some funny thoughts on this matter). "Jews believe in individual and collective participation in an eternal dialogue with God through tradition, rituals, prayers and ethical actions. The most important teaching of Judaism is that there is one God, who wants people to do what is just and compassionate. " Wikipedia and conversations/exposure to the Jewish religion/rituals/readings. The Jews focus more on the here and now and understand the continuity is of the faith, not the person so much. There are a multitude of other belief systems many of us have ignored that honor the cycles of the world. They honor the physical and the spiritual properties of beings- I am thinking of druids and other "pagans" and "indigenous" peoples and their belief systems.  Some people believe in "something bigger than themselves" that is undefined, that is eternal, that brings value to the universe. Others only see the physical world and rale against any "non rational, non scientific, non physical" explanations for anything. They deny that there is any intrinsic meaning or value to life. It just is, and any systems of morality exist to allow us to live together in this world but are not ordained from above or beyond. I think Plato and Aristotle had some things to say about this but I am ages away from my Philosophy 101 studies. 

The point is we humans recognize and take comfort in cycles. Things change, but they also stay the same. We also have cycles of hope and despair throughout our own lives and throughout our shared history. There have been dark times before, just as many would describe this time as dark. We are starting to see the light at the end of the Pandemic- if we can just "run through the finish line" and not drop out with 10 yards to go. As someone who has run a few marathons, I understand how deeply tempting it may be to stop even with the finish line so close. It is irrational and stupid, but oh so tempting. Keep wearing  your masks and physically distancing for just a bit longer. Get your vaccine as soon as you can....

I think the real point of this blog when I set out to write it is to point out that cycles imply change- death AND rebirth- but we don't really understand what that means beyond what nature shows us...really. In our own lives when we are in a period of despair it is supremely hard to imagine a time when it will not be bad. This is not a fault of us as individuals. It is part of the human condition. Sadly,  if we lose connection with others and with the natural world, we may not recognize that this despair will have an end and feel that continuing in this period of despair is too painful,  death by our own hand would be a release.  Jadebird sings of this despair, but finds a little hope- I know the sun will shine, another day, another time.  Joni Mitchell understands both the cycles of life (getting back to the garden) and the need for connection- "by the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong!" Mary Oliver finds hope in herself and in nature- here the red bird.  I just want to put it out there. Life will change, hope is not misplaced. We can't see that sometimes. Don't get lost in despair. FInd a connection. You can start with me if you want. I am here.

Reading suggestions: 

1. Siddhartha ' Herman Hesse 1951

2. East of Eden - John Steinbeck 1952 "thou mayest"

*3. Red Bird - Mary Oliver 2008

Play list - public on spotify smknerr "I get no joy"

 https://open.spotify.com/user/smknerr/playlist/7zOmRrLGC5qLvZdvjpxwIT?si=093lUX0-T7OvC1dDiG2OZg