Categories/tribalism

 "Be neither a conformist or a rebel, for they are really the same thing. Find your own path, and stay on it."  Paul Vixie, Computer Scientist

 

This post is for my children, actually it is for all children. May they have the courage to follow their own path, and may the rest of us have the wisdom and the wherewithal to help them remove barriers, and then get out of their way...

Someone who I love very much, just came out to me as being “gender non binary.” I consider them very brave and hope I can adequately support them in their journey of self discovery. They gave me a book to read about it describing the experiences of others who are gender non binary, in their own words. This was a useful book and it got me thinking a great deal about gender and binary choices in general. Gender is a category that I have always assumed was a useful way to describe a person. I use it to describe myself. I know, of course, about gender and body dysphoria and the influence of brain, genetics and culture in defining gender identity, but still it seemed an either/or proposition. And apparently many cis and trans people also feel this way.  But perhaps non-intuitively, it is not.

Then I started thinking about the usefulness of categories.  Our brains are designed to use heuristics or short cuts to help us recognize and react to things. Placing objects (including living ones) into a category helps us to quickly figure out a course of action. However useful though, categorizing other people also makes assumptions about who they are and how they should behave. It places limits on them- on what they are, on what they can become, on what they can do. They can be and often are used in order to promote and perpetuate hierarchies of power. This is very destructive. Think about it, gender, race, social class, economic status, rural/urban/suburban, religion, species, state of physical and mental health:  all of these can be used to limit the options for some in order for others to maintain power. 

That is bad, so maybe we need to move beyond categories.

Then my husband said something interesting. He told me of listening to a podcast where a type of person was  described that reminded him of himself. He knew he put off completing projects until they were perfect and was afraid they never were, that he was not expert enough. He felt alone in this until this podcast informed him that there are others like him. This condition has a name, a category. This was quite comforting to him and he feels it both “normalizes” him and makes it easier for him to recognize the trait and move beyond it. That is useful. So maybe using categories isn’t all bad. (There is no black and white:) But using categories to help yourself is different than using them to limit others. 

Later, my very good friend shared a podcast with me, all about “Finding your Tribe,” hosted by someone I had not heard of and with a guest I also did not know. Despite prodding from family and friends, I very rarely listen to podcasts. I prefer to sit down with a book. But as a W&M alumna (Go Tribe!) and as someone in the middle of writing this blog, I decided to give it a go. And my mind only wandered briefly over the ensuing 23 minutes…

I took the following ideas from what I heard. We have evolved as a species to have an intense longing to be a part of a tribe or community in order to “be safe.” Being part of a tribe is a way to "safely" show the world our values. It is important that we choose our tribes wisely- choosing ones that are based on love, not fear; ones that are not just using us as an instrument of the groups goal, but that also help us bring out our best selves. Ones that are inclusive not exclusive (think high school clique or country club membership).

And I learned a new word “microlove.” Communities worth belonging to spread this between their members and ultimately grow the community this way. The specific tribe the podcast is talking about is Deadheads by the way, and the way small signs unnoticeable to most except other Deadheads can connect people AND remind them to be their best selves. The host talked about stickers on cars/laptops/water bottles etc, and other ways we display our values and tribe membership in order to connect. I do love this and if you have ever seen my car you will know I love bumper stickers/magnets. I am announcing what categories I place myself in: tree-hugger, Bernie supporter, Dog lover etc. However, I also thrive on defying the expectations people have of the groups to which I belong: my gender assigned at birth, my social class, my political affiliation. And I never want to be defined by just one tribe membership. I am a unique combination of the categories I belong to and how I choose to express those kinships...and so are you, and so are we all.

Biologists celebrate diversity among and within species as vital for the health of the species and of the ecosystems they inhabit. Monoculture is bad- one problem wipes everything out as no one has already adapted to inevitable but unknowable changes. Eliminating a keystone predator from an ecosystem, destroys that ecosystem.

Acknowledging and celebrating diversity in people is better than demanding all people act and think one way. However, using that diversity against them can be equally harmful:  inappropriately categorizing all members of a group one way- Mexican rapists, nasty women, dangerous black men, extremist Muslims, the work of women of color disregarded in the fight for women’s suffrage, women or LGBTQ+ people immediately disqualified for full participation in religious communities, for example.

So we want to be part of a tribe to “belong” but we also don’t want to be automatically placed in a category that is then self limiting. And the ideal would be to be a part of a group that values micro (and macro) love and whose goal is to become more and more inclusive. Ultimately we will all be in one mega tribe...and would it only include people? More on this in future posts.

Barry Lopez uses the word “equipoise” in one of his (amazing) books. I knew the definition, but not precisely, so I looked it up. Since then I keep finding more and more situations in life where this applies...It applies here. We must find that balance in contradictions, in opposing forces, and live in equipoise; acknowledging the function of categories and tribes, but mindful of their limitations and especially of their dangers. 

In the end, we are all just creatures muddling through.

Bonus Bruce example of equipoise from his October 2020 interview in the NY Times (There are NO Bruce songs on this week’s playlist and a day without Bruce is like a day without sunshine:))

Here is his comment when asked about the use and misuse of “Born in the USA” at political events: “I still believe it’s one of my best songs, and when we play it, it just has a cumulative power that remains with it. The pride that people feel as a part of that music is true. But to understand that piece of music you need to do what adults are capable of doing, which is to hold two contradictory ideas of one thing in your mind at one time. How something can be prideful and at the same time call to account the nation that you’re writing about. That was just a part of that piece of music. It’s a song that’s not necessarily what it appears to be." Amen.

Peace, out.

2. Suggested reading: NonBinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity. 2019 Edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane.

Podcast referenced: "A Bit of Optimism- Finding your Tribe with Amy Cuddy" 11/17/20

Playlist: Wordknerrd playlist #2 by smknerr

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2HIKZI3gbWtt5dwvIEvCTt?si=G1f2P_K-SGasr5pyiUQknQ