"I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care if you think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change
An' I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
The world's in trouble, there's no communication
An' everyone can say what they wanna say
It never gets better, anyway
So why should I care about a bad reputation, anyway?
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me" Joan Jett & the Blackhearts "Bad Reputation"
As I think I have mentioned, 2 of my children have come out in the last few years as gender queer/gender non binary. They are both still exploring what that means in their lives. One was in their late teens and one in their early 20s when they came out, though I think they had both been pondering things for a while.
The thing I have noticed about them, is that they are happy (ier). They feel free to explore who they are and are sharing more of who they are with us and with their friends. While I struggle sometimes to understand everything and not to worry/care about what others think, I am both happier and immensely proud of them and their ability to be honest with themselves and with others. I also hope to be an ally and hope I am not unwittingly making things harder for them.
Overall, It has been a positive experience for everyone. Again, I won't deny my own fears and lack of understanding at times, I just recognize that these things are for me to work out, not a burden to place on my children. I think it has brought us all a bit closer and helped us all gain a little more insight into how others view the world.
One of my dear friends recently told me about her niece, who is a younger teen and her struggles with depression and her recent coming out as gender nonbinary. My friend expressed concern about her depression and wondered if so many choices made things harder not easier.
I have two thoughts about this:
1. Having fewer choices may be easier for some people, but it is immensely harder for those who don't fit into those categories. It is hard to decide what type of cookie to buy at the grocery store because there are hundreds of choices. It would be "easier" for many if there was only chocolate chip or peanut butter. Except what about those people who like oreos best? They live life without that option. This can lead to anxiety and depression. or maybe just "mediocrity" or living someone else's dream, not yours. If oreos are seen as deviant or dangerous then society is losing a taste sensation, just for the comfort and ease of those with peanut butter and chocolate chip preferences. The world has become smaller to accommodate some at the expense of many. If the PB/CC become rigidly convinced that their taste preferences are the only legitimate or "morally sound" tastes, then not only is the world smaller for all, but it is now needlessly dangerous for oreo lovers and angrier and divisive...over what?
2. The developmental period of adolescence is always a time of uncertainty and the main quest is to figure out who we are and what we believe and where we fit in this world. We separate some from our family to think for ourselves. We look outside of our small circle, widening it to include both peers and other adults... What do children need from their culture/society/parents/peers/teachers? They need guidance to help navigate all of these choices to help them settle on what feels right for them and how they want to be in the world. And they need our love and support when they decide what that is, not our judgement, not our disappointment, and certainly not our hatred or our anger. They need us also to be willing to learn from them, to try to understand their evolving insights about themselves and about the world. It is no surprise they don't find it easy when they are surrounded by adults who fight with each other and dismiss or diminish certain people because of how they choose to express themselves. It is no surprise this can lead to anxiety and depression for those who don't fit in nicely to the binary.
When we see children learning to hate themselves because they don't fit into an "acceptable" category, then we can expect them to become anxious and depressed teens and adults. Many adults never discover who they really want to be because they were expected to conform to what someone else thought they should be and maybe they were never aware there were other options. Maybe more kids are anxious today not because they are presented with more choices, but because they lack guidance and support while they navigate them. This is sad and infuriating.
I also want to speak to the very real view of the world that cultural mores are important to prevent the "collapse of civilization". Without them, the thought is, we will fall into chaos where "anything goes." This is a world view that can be so ingrained as to make people unaware of it pervasive influence on their thoughts.
I think that we need to acknowledge that as cultural norms go to the wayside, it can be disorienting for those who did not question the status quo, and push back is to be expected. I bring up a "trivial" example. Table manners. As my children were growing up, I continued what I had been taught about where to place silverware, how to use your napkin etc. My children did not naturally adapt to these rules...I tried to teach them, but my husband was not on board, and I thought to myself, why am I enforcing these rules? I could not come up with a good reason so I let them slide. We are still happy even when not following proper etiquette. It doesn't really matter which side of the plate the knife is on or which fork we use...Occasionally I see the value in some rules of etiquette- for example, it slows the meal down, which is good for digestion and for social interaction...so maybe best not to throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak, but understand the reason for the rule, decide if it is still relevant, and reevaluate.
I recall the movies/books about the British colonizers, making the natives lug their fancy china and accoutrements into the deepest "wild" places in order to maintain their own sense of etiquette and "culture" while amidst the native peoples and amidst hard conditions. ("be careful, that is my Limoges"). They felt it vital to maintain their cultural mores as they felt without them they would slide into the savagery they saw all around them. Their world would collapse. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, this example of asserting their perceived superiority over other cultures in their colonizing adventures laid waste to many other peoples and their understanding of the world including their own maintenance of and symbiosis with the land they lived on. The Spanish, French, Dutch and then the Americans were quick to follow this colonizing impulse, and we are only starting to come to any terms with the devastation wrought on both people and the flora and fauna on the land they lived on as it comes back to haunt us. The people labelled as "inferior" who actually have much to teach us, are (re)attempting to assert themselves and the land we have decimated burns with fire or suffers through drought or floods...So, manners may not be so important, and a specific etiquette may be more representative of an imbalance of power than of an innate superiority. If you are born an inheritor of privilege, losing these things may seem dangerous, but for the rest of the world, maybe not so much. Yes, YOUR world might change, but THE world will be better.
Maybe, we could take the useful parts or western etiquette, share the reasoning, learn what others value and how they manifest and safeguard those values and work to find common understanding. We could then find room at our table for different types of "etiquette" with the goal of improving health and social interaction....(Did I take this metaphor too far?:)).
I want to be very clear, I don't mean there are no rules we should live by. I just don't think that rules of one culture are what is standing between us and chaos. But they are often standing between us. And they are keeping us from living with each other in a just society.
Let's first acknowledge that we are equals...and by we I really mean not only ALL people, but also other creatures flora and fauna, though I understand that not everyone shares that point of view. If we could at least get the ALL people part down, then the respect other cultures have for flora and fauna will start to follow, hopefully in time to save more from extinction. From that start, there are very simple rules that are universally espoused (even if not lived by)- Love one another. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Let's start there.
My wish and goal for my children has always been to help them grow into who they were, whether it was what I expected or not. I saw my children able to break free of what society expected regarding gender, because others before them expanded the options of what their gender identity means, and shared their journeys despite the push back they suffered from the culture. My world has changed, but it hasn't collapsed, it has expanded. They are being their true selves and I love them for that, and I love what they have taught me.
Book Recommendation:
"The Liar's Dictionary" Eley Williams, 2019.
