“His mind was freshly inclined toward sorrow; toward the fact that the world was full of sorrow; that everyone labored under some burden of sorrow; that all were suffering; that whatever way one took in this world, one must try to remember that all were suffering (none content; all wronged, neglected, overlooked, misunderstood), and therefore one must do what one could to lighten the load of those with whom one came into contact; that his current state of sorrow was not uniquely his, not at all, but, rather, its like had been felt, would be felt, by scores of others, in all times, in every time, and must not be prolonged or exaggerated, because, in this state, he could be of no help to anyone and, given that his position in the world situated him to be either of great help, or great harm, it would not do to stay low, if he could help it.”
― George Saunders, Lincoln in the Bardo
Freedom, son, is a dirty shirt
The sun on my face and my shovel in the dirt
A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone
I woke up this morning shackled and drawn
Shackled and drawn, shackled and drawn
Pick up the rock, son, carry it on
What's a poor boy to do but keep singing his song
Bruce Springsteen "Shackled and Drawn"
“Meaning is hard to come by if you are a solitary entity. If you have doubts about your own usefulness and purpose, it is all but impossible to answer those doubts while unmoored. When you are able to affix yourself somehow, to bridge the abyss with a relationship with another creature of any sort, it’s easier to make the case that there is some way in which the whole of creation matters, that it has, if not a purpose, at least an invigorating vitality. I find satisfaction in hitching myself to the universe as an observer of this energy, manifest in wonderful complexity. I matter, because it matters. Human self-awareness allows us to question our purpose. But that self-awareness also allows us to watch ourselves experiencing wonder, curiosity, and the delight of discovery, and therefore to value those things. Our role may be fulfilled, perhaps, simply by paying close attention. Maybe that’s the meaning.”
― Unseen City: The Majesty of Pigeons, the Discreet Charm of Snails & Other Wonders of the Urban Wilderness
My family and I recently went on a river rafting trip in Colorado, intermediate class rapids. We were all just a little terrified at the start- some more than others. The water was COLD, despite our wetsuits. We had an experienced guide but there were no guarantees. The rocks were real. But we chose to do this. And we loved it. We loved the adrenaline rush, the bit of fear, the bit of uncertainty. The chance to work together and share success (and small failures).
My husband and I sign up for races...well he often signs me up, but I do agree to do them. We train in all weather. We get up super early and travel to starting lines. I am usually a mess. I am scared. It will be hard. But I chose this. There are no guarantees of success. But even if I am unhappy with my time, I am satisfied that I have taken on this challenge and given it my best shot.
I go to a job that can be very scary and stressful. I never know what I am walking into. Will it be busy or slow? Will there be a really sick child? Will I be up to the task? I have training. I have experience. I am part of a team. But it is scary. Yet when I do help a child, help a family... It is very rewarding.
In all of these things, DOING the things, though sometimes hard or dangerous is not really the hard part. It is the anxiety before the fact that is the hardest.
I want to explore some ideas about anxiety and expectations for life here. No doubt it will seem simplistic to some. I claim no expertise except my own experience and bearing witness to others during my life. I offer no definitive answers, just reflections. As always I welcome any comments.
An easy life is not the same as a fulfilling life, and could in fact be very boring.
Life has no guarantees for anyone. We are all just muddling through.
Anxiety has some usefulness- short term sympathetic nervous system stimulation is important, but anxiety can also become dysfunctional and an impediment to a fulfilling life. Stress is useful but chronic stress is destructive.
Anxiety is worry about the future. And for sure, the future can be scary. Bad things do happen. We do fail sometimes. But good things happen too, and if we take no risks what will happen?
Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory : Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin : What?
Dory : Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. Finding Nemo
So we do stuff. If we could ever stop and live in the current moment, to be conscious of the journey and not just the outcome, we could decrease our anxious thoughts and focus on living. (Again not an easy task and I am not trying to belittle anyone (including myself) who struggles with this or anyone who has a life much harder than my own due to poverty, war, abuse or other situations that may or may not be in their control.) But I wonder how can we harness this "nervous energy" and put it to good use? We could all train for races with it? And maybe we could practice just slowing down sometimes to just look around for a moment and appreciate what is now instead of worrying about what might be...
Why can't we imagine "paradise" very well? That conundrum of being unable to appreciate the good without having an experience of the bad to contrast it with is a real thing. The tv series "the good place" did a nice job with their final idea of paradise.. for them paradise wasn't any good unless you knew it was NOT for ever. You just got to decide when you wanted to make your final exit from your conscious existence. And it was different and very personal for each one of them. And therein lies the rub. Is what we really hope for not an easy life, but some control over our life...agency over our decisions and outcomes? Is that paradise?
That must be part of it, but wouldn't a life where we knew the outcomes also be boring? Would we appreciate the things we know won't last? Or would we avoid situations that we knew would end badly? But if we have the control to avoid the bad things, we will miss some of the good things (or be unable to appreciate the good things). The short story "Story of Your Life" (and movie Arrival based on it) dealt with some of this and is worth a read...
So what we have is this life...this scary life, and we have this anxiety about this life. And it can be wonderful sometimes and all of us will fail sometimes and suffer. Some of us much more than others. So what is the answer? My answer is to try to empathize with each other, support each other, work to create a society that holds people up and provides support and not just competition and winners and losers. I believe we should stop venerating money. I believe we should listen to birdsong every once in a while and appreciate the lives of the creatures that exist all around us. And sometimes take that risk...
I went to visit my mom and became very anxious about her ability to care for herself, and my inability to create a real solution. So I started cleaning the house... It helped to just DO something, well it deferred the anxiety. Actions can help. But sometimes individual efforts seem ineffectual in a society rigged against us- a society with no good answers for how to allow seniors to age as they want, with dignity. Those who want a local, bottom up approach have some valid points, but if the society is stacked against you, your individual options start to disappear. When everything depends on how much money we have...well humanity is going to suffer. We already are. So is the anxiety I feel about my mom, or about our society which I as a privileged white professional woman still feel powerless to change, is that anxiety useful? It is real.
Thoughts?
PS This was supposed to be an uplifting post...Life is a gift (from whom I don't know) but we should appreciate it, lumps and all.
Peace out.
Sheila
she/her
* A note on the (perpetual) generational misunderstandings. For those who throw around the idea that "kids today just don't want to work hard, they want everything handed to them." To you I say first- the generation before you said the same about you...and for real, young people today look around at those who work themselves hard and either "just get money" at the cost of relationships, or those who barely even get enough money, never mind, healthcare, childcare or time to enjoy anything. And they say, not for me...Can you really blame them? And for the young people, please don't misunderstand. It is not the hard work that should be avoided, it is the lack of agency over our life, and a society that venerates the $$ over the people that is the problem. Working at something you have a passion for is what fulfillment is about. Working together to steer our society towards that goal is something we should ALL work together to help achieve. Lean towards the light...together.
*Feeling afraid or unable to express who you really are and how you really feel is a powerful source of dysfunctional anxiety. It does no good to the person who is afraid, nor to humanity in general, to silence voices because they are different, because they disagree...
Playlist "Life is Scary" smknerr spotify
Reading recommendations: "Unseen City" by Nathanael Johnson 2016 ( I loved it until the final chapter when I got a bit angry at his implication that somehow the human species has more value than other species...tell me what you think?)
"Lincoln in the Bardo" by George Saunders 2017
"Stories of Your Life and Others" Ted Chiang 2002
Two of my anchors...:)
