"When you pay attention to the beginning of the story, you can change the whole story." Raffi Cavoukian, singer and founder of Canada’s Centre for Child Honouring
"You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make brand new ending." James R. Sherman
"I have spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am, and I am tired." Marshall, Joe vs the Volcano
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how big... thank you. Thank you for my life." Joe, Joe vs the Volcano
" My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement." Patricia, Joe vs the Volcano
Although we may feel like there is no common ground among us anymore, I think we can all at least agree that the country/world is not currently as we would hope it to be. I think we can also agree that we would like the world to be better for our children. Well, maybe not everyone agrees on that. Some people just really feel like they have the right to use and destroy whatever they want in order to accumulate wealth and power. It is hard for me to imagine that, until I realize that by default I contribute to this mindset whenever I buy in to the idea of always needing more/buying more that is so hardwired into the American culture. This scares me because I do want to leave the world better, or at least make room for our future people, AND for the rest of the flora and fauna that we have such casual disregard for. This keeps me up at night. That this does not bother some people is something I cannot fathom, but have come to understand as true. Maybe they don't think about it, or don't relate their actions with the outcomes for the planet.
Well, now I digress. I do think that for those who purport to care about the future for our children, there is a fundamental difference in world views. I would like to make the argument for one over the other as the healthier and more effective way to move forward. I know I will not convince some, and, as always, I invite comment, but here goes. The idea that there is only one right way is wrong. The idea that different ways of seeing the world are dangerous or leading to the demise of "our values" ignores the fact that we have been in the process of physical and social change since the moment our species appeared. The world around us, the universe is also in a continual process of change. We only stop changing as an individual consciousness when we die, and then our physical body decays...ie changes. We try to hold on to something definite, something eternal in order to give our own lives meaning. That is a common quest among people. There is nothing wrong with that. We try to have rules for a group of people to be able to live together and that is necessary. I would list the basic tenets behind any rules as not using our power to denigrate others physically, socially or emotionally. Understanding that life and death are both integral parts of our existence here and that while all creatures cling to their own individual lives, death comes to all, then working to help lift up others and let them live and try not to be a proximate cause of death would be another. Be true to yourself, but don't make it harder for others to be true to themselves. Understand equipoise. Lean towards the light. We live in a country founded by people who were trying to limit the number or rules needed to live together in order to maximize freedom to pursue life, liberty and happiness- which are not further defined. We all cry out for our first amendment freedom of speech to express our own opinions. A plethora of people came from different cultures to settle in this country that was already inhabited by people of many different cultures when they got here. I think we are all starting to see that our "colonizing" attitude and actions which strove to destroy cultures was wrongheaded. We lost valuable people and ideas. So why in this "melting pot" do many continue to insist that there is only one way, one God, one set of social norms? We really need to figure out that if we have found certainty in chaos then that is good, but that others may not want to cling to the same life boat, and they are not wrong. We can have basic tenets of behavior without punishing each other for seeing the world through different eyes. So how does this relate to children you say? Parents- you don't own your children. They are not here to live out your dreams. They are not here to take care of you. They are not here to fill your emotional voids. Children are people. They start out as dependent creatures with brains that explode with just a little interaction with other creatures. They are not rational. They try to fit in with what they see around them, but they don't always. Ultimately, they grow into unique individuals who may look a little like us but whose minds and bodies have encountered different experiences than us even while living with us. They are not us. If we punish them for seeing the world differently, for being different, then we damage them. It may not be easy for you if your children are not what you expect them to be, or what you thought they were going to be, or what you thought they were. But don't punish them or deny the validity of their experiences. Why do I say this with such conviction? We have lost so much by trying to put people in boxes according to our own world view and we live in a time where we need different ideas, different ways of living if we are to thrive or even survive. Children can be our salvation, but only if we do our best to learn from them instead of teaching them how they "must" act or think to fit in with our current cultural world view. Yes, they are dependent on us- for physical sustenance, for interaction, for guidance, but not for instilling our own lifeboats that we cling to for certainty into them. They will find some, or better, find that uncertainty doesn't have to be a bad thing...it can be scary but also exhilarating, can lead to new things, better things. Love is an excellent rock to anchor our uncertainty on. It is enough. It is the bedrock of health. Children need our love. We all need love. Spend just a little time with a child...listen to the questions they have. Watch them explore an insect or clump of grass on the ground. See them experience the world for the first time and watch their reactions. Try not to let impatience for "things that have to get done, places we have to get to blind us to the beauty in the world, or to the ugliness that we choose to ignore. Celebrate their imaginations. Celebrate your own. My daughter is very interested in birds, and (as many others) I spent time during this pandemic, learning more about the creatures who come to my feeders or who I find at the corner park. It is amazing what you see, once you remember to look...Share those moments with your children. Children need someone to talk with them, and to listen to them. They need someone to read with them, sing with them, be in nature with them, to let them explore, to run around, to fall, to color on the walls, to let them try, to let them fail, to feed them, to let them ask questions and to admit we don't know all the answers. They need someone to love them, someone who accepts who they discover they are, even if it is not what we expected or are familiar with. They need someone to listen to doubts and fears that will come as they grow. We can try to support them with our love as they pursue their own dreams. This may be scary, these are scary times. They need to know someone has their back. Whenever we dismiss a child's curiosity and wonder we fail them and we fail ourselves. It is not simple or easy to live in our culture and raise children in this way. We are expected to be a certain way too. We are rushed and impatient some times. We need to make money, put dinner on the table, get them to school...There are rules for us and for them that are "stupid" or unnecessary but that we have to follow all the same. But we can step back and separate what is important to us and help children understand the balance as they grow. We can value their questions and their differences and learn from them. As my child's first Pediatrician and my mentor told me when I first embarked on the journey that is parenthood..."Just love them, the rest will come." Harvey Hamrick MD Suggested Reading: 1. Put your book down and go outside. Anywhere. And look around. Go to a park, go with a child. Take a walk around the block. Inhale around trees and feel the peacefulness. Stand by a body of water. Play. Take in the world with wonder for a moment. Make this a habit:) 2. Look at "the invisible people" in your community. See them for individuals just like yourself and think about what you can do to change their plight. Don't look away if it hurts you to think about them. Think about how they feel, they also deserve to have dignity.
